Why I’m Miserable

 I had a lonely childhood.

I’ve had very few friends.  I am not in touch with anyone from before moving to Sacramento over 20 years ago, and I have none here now save one of my wife’s co-workers whom I could call in an emergency.

Since I was very young, I would get a lot out of nature.  I would go for walks.  When older, bike rides.

I was rarely happy, but I could view nature and feel some peace.

I used to be able to see the beauty of nearly anything in nature.  I would soak it up.

I learned I needed to soak up all the good that I could in order to get by.  It was easy when I lived in the Bay Area.  There were so many beautiful views.  I can remember many, not picture them (aphanatasia), but I remember them.

I realize this used to be how I dealt with sadness.  I used to go for some very long walks.

Sacramento does have some decent views, some beauty, but for the most part, it’s a flood plain, a miserable place to decide to build a city.  I was very upset to move here.  I did explore some, before my body went to shit, the rivers and open spaces, the dog parks.

Our yard in West Sacramento had a view of the deep water canal and some open space.  We had several trees and open views.  That’s gone now, too, here in this little box surrounded by neighbor’s 2 story houses.  I can’t stand it.

The park on the way to the pool is nice.  I really need to start trying to walk there when the weather allows.  Wrong week for that right now, lol.  106 degrees, today!  Expecting 113 degrees for the next two days!  

My wife chose to apply for a job here without asking me first.  That will haunt me until the grave.

In more recent years, the beauty was more difficult to find.  I would even look at roadkill, and see the life that was, and try to soak in the beauty of what had been.  That is how low I was, how little joy was in my life when Lizzie started going to school, so many days alone, for years.

The two friends I met during Covid closures, my best friends ever, were the first time I found beauty in others.  I loved them both.  I loved their marriage.  I enjoyed so much about them that I felt better, and I enjoyed who I was when I was with either of them.  It was so incredible.

And while I am upset they are gone, the real sadness I face is of lost opportunity.

I am 51 and my health is deteriorating so much more every year.  I am running out of time.

I do not have access to the nature I have enjoyed all my life, nor the friendships that showed me even greater beauty.  And I am running out of time.

More time wasted.  I have wasted so much of my life already.

This is the truest reason for my misery and the tears I cannot stop making.  I know I am running out of time and I have nothing to enjoy while it slips through my fingers.

I sit in a room with no view and listen to the air conditioning.  I truly hate it here, in this house, in this city.  

I remember when we first moved here, and people tried to argue it was wonderful to be a 2 hour drive to the mountains or a 2 hour drive to the ocean.  “You can do whatever you want!” they said.

No.  I can’t.  Spending time in nature is now outside my control.  Now, even spending time with friends is beyond my control.