Resisting Urges

I’m having a beast of a time resisting the urge to reach out to my … best friends.  I can’t help but think of them that way, still, and maybe that’s part of the problem.  I mean, I don’t believe they stopped caring, but I imagine it is more probable than not that they don’t think of me as a friend anymore.

Only, I can’t stop crying, lol.  It’s everything, but they were such a valued relationship.

I have unplugged my XBox for a few weeks now (plugged in to send what I thought was important messages last week, only for my doctor to not give a shit) and deleted the App.  It helps.  I still grab the iPad to check for messages and when I have one I momentarily want to send before remembering, but at least I am not spending the entire day on the XBox and it’s apps, where it was habit to check what friends were playing.

Of course, I’m blocked by the “friends” I’d want to reach out to.  So, I guess it would not scratch that itch anyways.

I think the goal for the day has to be to keep the XBox off.  I have to endure the rest of today (only 10am, fuck) and get to Monday.  I wish I did not miss them so badly.  [tears again. Lol]

I really did collapse back into missing them as if they just left since my Shingles Vaccine delirium. I’m not going to say I was doing good, but I had made some progress and was definitely crying a lot less than since it.  I think I got through so many really bad stints of pain with them in mind the last two years.  Even when they could not respond, I felt connected to them.

I could really feel the void left behind during that post vaccine shitshow.  Starting over fucking sucks!

I think I am too embarrassed to get back on the Xbox, too.  So many had ghosted me, I was definitely spoken of, at least between those I tried to reach out to.  I feel so pathetic, an old fool.  Odds are no one checks to see if I have returned, and I’ll likely never even be thought of again by most.  I was pretty insignificant.

I wish the NFL started today.  That’d be watchable tv, at least.  Yet, I’ll be bummed all season, again, not getting into any fantasy leagues with friends again.  So it goes.

Guess I’ll try more Breathe of the Wild on Switch.  Not liking it too much.  I think I would like Craftopia much more if it did not glitch so much, another single player (for me, lol) game.  It’ll get me through an hour, maybe.

I find it so insane that a little more than 2 years ago, I was at an incredible low point.  It was unfathomable that things could get much worse.  This isolation is much worse.

Okay … one hour at a time.

Edit - made it to 5pm.  Woohooo!  Only needed to get through 40 or so urges and a couple crying bouts, lol.  I’m pathetic.