Physically, I am a mess. I am more unstable than ever, and it is near impossible to sleep.
Mentally, I have been even worse.
There had been a measure of solace in my predicament, having hope for the society around me being a decent place to leave my child. Trump, his cabinet appointments, and his ignorant followers put that hope to rest.
I still entertain daydreams of getting better, and becoming able to fight this corporate takeover. They don't last long.
Sure, I still make "progress," with adjustments that seem to unwind long embedded kinks, but the subsequent experiences are hours of feeling like I am balancing on a hundred pogo sticks, one on top of the other. To relax at all, to rest for one moment, brings them crashing down and hours of pain.
I don't manage to balance on them long.
So much I'd like to write, on my situation and what I am still learning, on the rest of the world and priorities, but I'm done, in multiple ways.
The local pool's summer schedule ends tomorrow, a bad sign.
I have been making progress, things too tough to explain, more movement in new places. The shirt I wear to the pool will fit differently on the ride home. I have been pushing things, hard.
Not sure just how many days in a row I have managed, but it's been at least 3 weeks with 2 miles or more in the pool. I have done more kicking than ever, usually 1k normal flutter, 1k on my back. In these, it will go from discomfort to agony to freedom to pain, the whole spectrum, often pain, but usually around 800m, I find something new, a point of focus, and I zoom with less effort and little drag and things seem interesting, at least until muscle memory takes over in my excitement and pain returns.
Anyways . . .
I wanted n update as I have written so little for so long. I have just been in a pattern of motivation followed by concentration followed by exhaustion.
I hope I get 2 more months or so of weather where I can keep this going. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and start to reach a point where I can swim in the rain and cold again. Doubtful, I know. Last winter near killed me.
I don't want to live through that again. Oops, no bad thoughts.
Just a note, and it may have had a role in me pushing so hard, but my neighbor (N2, for two doors down) snapped and broke into N1's house, shot at them 15 times, then killed himself with the last bullet. I knew him from the pool. He was disabled, too. He was, relatively speaking, worse off then me. He had enough.
Fortunately, he missed my N1 neighbors. And, he spared their dog, a great dog (we kept him the next night). It was . . . an experience. It left an impression.
Okay, back from a long, 2 mile swim (one mile kick, one mile various strokes), and I have finally, after so fucking long, had a substantial breakthrough! *maniacal laugh*
I managed to pull my left shoulder around, something, and it let both shoulders shift down and back a significant amount, relaxed. It, too, allowed a greater exhale from my lungs. Rather, the resting position of my exhale was allowed to be a greater exhaled position. This means, all these years, my "relaxed" position has been one of a held breathe. How fucked is that, right?
I want to write more, detailing all, but I'm kinda spent. I will note I did about 800 kicking on my back, with much of it using the backs of my hands on the kick board, so think inverted kicking overall. It aided the left shoulder a great deal by providing some resistance deep within the shoulder.
It's been so long since I have had a good adjustment. While I have little doubt muscle memory will yank things back to the familiar position, if not later today, probably in my sleep, I know that what I have done once, I can do again, and I can train new muscle memories.
I will win or die trying.
Funny note - I did freak out one of the new lifeguards that didn't know about the chronic dislocations. It was kinda cute.
Okay, major changes happening around both shoulder, the neck, and head, such that my upper back now seizes when I screw up and let muscle memory revert and tweak all sorts of muscles. I am both sore and in pain.
This said, a new noticeable change has occurred. I don't know if it is permanent, or will become so, but whatever...
When I achieve certain posture (one the current movements seem to lead towards), I perceive the air entering my nose now differently. I have always only ever known (one exception for another time) the feeling of the air passing by my nostrils, as if moving upward, parallel to my face. Now, I feel it enter inward, I the nose above the nostrils, perpendicular to my face. There is substantially more air flow, as well.
Perhaps some day I will no longer be a mouth breather . . .
I could add more, but I just hurt too much. The basic record has been made.
I have had some significant adjustments, changes around the neck-shoulder-jaw, which have corresponded to the opposite hip. Weird shit. Some shifts have been big, a lot of meat changing where it sits.
As a result, something is amiss near my right ear. The right side of my face is swollen, as well as a gland just under the ear. Pain, pain, and pain. I can't go horizontal without sharp sustained throbbing. So, I can't sleep.
Hence, the iPad and this entry.
I've taken a lot of pain meds, and ibuprofen for swelling, to seemingly no avail. Icing my head does little.
I do not think it is an ear infection, though it hurts like one, at least not a classic one. I think it was an aggravation by trauma to joints tangled near the jaw and ear from my original injury.
I am sure dying ain't exactly fun no matter how it comes, but I don't want to go like this.
Anyways, here I sit, tormented, face numb from Narco but the ear/head still throbbing, unable to rest, unable to sleep.
I am honing in on some old feelings, but I cannot describe them well, like segmented cords shifting within me.
I got there and back, with multiple thigh subluxations along the way.
The "swim" was no better. One limb was constantly pulling out of the socket. 500 meters of various paddling and kicking, wanting to scream the entire time.
Oh, and I start the season at 244 pounds. Ouch.
I have serious doubts any further "rehab" is going to be possible. I will give it my all, everything I can muster, to learn if I can. I know this means agony, but the alternative is letting myself go completely and not lasting much longer.
This winter has been torture, however. I feel worse, look worse, and basically have gotten worse. Walking has become not just painful, but difficult. Just being has become, tough.
Of course, changes continue.
Part of me wants to believe this feeling I am experiencing is analogous to squeezing something through a small opening, that it hurts so much because it is close to done, but that I am near finishing the task. Unfortunately, I now doubt this very much.
I have known the "almost there" belief for too many years, and this boy is done crying wolf.
Even if there is an "opening" to metaphorically squeeze through, it is likely too far or two small for me to achieve. I'm not going to win. If anything, one of these days I will slide something into a position that chokes me, my collar bone and throat being the mess they are.
That said, I couldn't stop "adjusting" if I wanted to. The process continues.