Monday, September 29, 2014


I'm feeling horrible.

I swam today after 3 days off because the weather got cold (and the swim before that was cut short by a fire alarm).  It was a grueling 1:45 in the pool, today.

I have been losing any semblance of composure in comment section conversations.  I think I am mostly in the right in these arguments, but the odds are I am a brittle mess creating the drama myself.  Why?  Cause I'm me and everyone else is an idiot, which can't be true all the time.

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This post, however, is to document a funny.

Funny to me, anyways.

It should be plain that The Scream of the Butterfly is my attempt at being clever, using Jim Morrison's lyric to stand for the madness induced rantings of an individual (me) enduring a metamorphosis.

Not terribly clever, I admit, but it could be getting clever(er?).

Though I am miserable and exhausted, the progress in my upper back, building muscles which are aiding in significant adjustments, which I shall try to express somewhat below, have been the result of swimming, wait for it Barney Stinson style, . . . the Butterfly stroke.

Ah, my own literary double meaning.  How I love them.  It's why I am so engulfed by GRRM's A Song of Ice and Fire series.  Should this rambling mad man ever get well, and then write the memoir of this clusterfuck of an experience, such a literary turn will no doubt aid the structure of my prose.

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A work of fiction would be hard pressed to match the literary turns of my life.

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An attempt at describing the latest adjustments:

- the right lung deflates, but must rise, allowing an unfolding behind my right shoulder.
- the left lung inflates and does the opposite, seemingly pulling the left breast up and over the shoulder by the neck.
- all the while, the hips must tilt and twist as well, allowing a segment of hip to extend to my right side and up into the ribs, where I hope it shall eventually find connection on up to the muscles building by the Butterfly stroke.

Okay.  I'm tired and sore and lonely and angry and sad and am wallowing in a pity party over my painful existence.

On the bright side, a short heat wave is expected over the course of the next week, so I'll have a break from the pity party and my dread of the coming winter. 

I may even get some more progress before I see my Rheumatologist later this week.  Could it finally be the week my doctor thinks outside the box,  and thereby witnesses and understands what I am going through and how to help?!?!?!?!  (yeah, don't bet on that repetitious day dream)

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And doesn't it figure, the House Stark words from my favorite novels, "Winter Is Coming" is as ominous in my own life as it is for the poor Northerners of Westeros.  I really don't want to go through another winter, not after this difficult of a summer.

Thursday, September 25, 2014


the pains continue

to rip and fold and slide all

over my body

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A surreal one happened last night.

The first sensation was like the rounded end of a metal pen sliding across the bottom of my ribs.  I looked down into the water of the hot tub to see if a branch or something had fallen in the water.  Nothing was there but my side.

Then, the whole segment which had felt as if it had been touched felt more like a copper wire was against the entire segment, about 7-8 inches along the bottom of my right rib cage.

Then, in felt like it was digging into my skin, similar to a cramp one gets while running.  Although, I don't know that what I felt as a cramp was the same as others, so maybe stick with the feeling of the wire digging into me, as if I was cheese being cut.

Then, a folding sensation, and it was done.

I'm getting really tired of this.

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And Fall is here.  We had rain today.  It'll be too cold for me to swim for at least a few days.

The dread of another winter has yet to set upon me.  We still have a few warm weeks, more likely than not, before mother nature starts fucking with me.

I feel foolish, hoping I can find my center before then and get all the parts in their right place.  The odds can't be good.

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Last, I had a near miss on the road today.  The one day this month I get in the car and I have a close call.  Go figure.

The light for my left turn switched to green and I started going.  My car was almost all the way into the intersection when I noticed something in the corner of my eye and hit the brakes, when an SUV of some type runs the red and blazes in front of my car by about 8 feet.

Not that close, but it unnerved me.

The next intersection, less than 100 yards away, was clogged with traffic, and I caught up with the SUV there.

I pulled along side it to find out who this asshole was, only to see an attractive mid 20s woman, her face and attention buried into her smartphone.  "Are you fucking kidding me?" I said.

I've been rattled still all day long.  It is amazing how easy it is to die on our roads with these kind of idiots using them too.

I have been through way too much shit, too much pain, and too much physical rehabilitation to end up road kill because of some stupid piece of shit staring at a phone instead of the road.

I know it happens daily, but this was the first time I saw someone do it.

And had I been just a few seconds later, approaching that intersection when the light changed instead of having been at a stop  (which happens pretty often, even for me, a guy that doesn't drive much), I have no doubt that SUV would have demolished my car.

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I hate stupidity.

Monday, September 22, 2014

A Relative Question

I have already proposed in an earlier post my thoughts on Light being "Dark Matter."  I just think our scientists have their numbers wrong and it is a possible solution.  The following is a question I would love to have answered, however, regardless.

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An imaginary star system, ISS, is 500 light years away from us.

On a certain day, X, two identical robots are built, Robot A and Robot B, robots capable of existing millions and millions of eons.

Less than a minute after creation, Robot A travels just under the speed of light to earth.  Now, the light from the imaginary star system, ISS, will reach earth 500 years after the moment Robot A begins his journey.  Robot A arrives 500 years and one day after his departure, and is therefore 500 years and one day old.

How old is Robot B when Robot A arrives on earth?

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There was a time I think I could have answered this relativity question.  I do not believe it is terribly difficult if you know the right equations.  Yet, this is not my real question.

I know Robot A will be travelling into the distant future as it speeds towards earth, as compared to Robot B back in ISS, and therefore, Robot B will be much older than Robot A.

My real question:  why do we believe the light travelling to earth from ISS, at a speed slightly faster than Robot A is not time travelling?

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Why is this important?  I do not believe this relativity is taken into account with regards to our Universal calculations.  It is my impression that scientists currently just compute with regards to the light source (here ISS) having aged the same 500 years as the light which we see.

Consider.  If Robot B (and again, I have no idea with regards to the ballpark figure so I'll go high and low with examples) is 20,000 years old when Robot A reaches earth, ISS, too, has aged 20,000 years.  How much has the system changed or moved as compared to a computation which relies on ISS having only aged 500 years?  What if Robot B has ages 2,000,000,000 years?

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Now consider a second system, SS2, half way between ISS and earth (though just askew by our view) which Robot A passes 250 years and 12 hours into his journey.  When Robot A reaches earth, the light from this second system has travelled 250 years, but has not the system aged nearly half of that which Robot B has aged?

If ISS is 2 million years removed from where we think it is, and SS2 is 1 million years different, how off can any calculations attempting to judge their mass or velocity be compared to calculations thinking only 250 and 500 years have passed?

This would mean that none of the stars we view are anywhere near where we think they are relative to each other.  Wouldn't this drastically alter current calculations?

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Now, someone once tried to tell me light doesn't time travel.  I didn't understand his answer.  I still don't get how it is possible.  Wouldn't it mean ISS only ages drastically if something other than light travels away from it? 

But moreover, how the hell can we know if light does not time travel?

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If someone with the knowledge happens to read this, do let me know why I am wrong.  It just doesn't make sense to me that Robot A and the extra day it takes him to travel to earth would make a difference.

And if I happened to ask a question that changes the way you physics folk compute the Universe, hurry up with my Nobel so I have something to leave my kid.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Sad and Spent but Still Seeking . . . Something

Thing have been, very difficult, this summer.  Subjectively, I believe, very much so, that I have made tremendous progress.

The have been So Much change, not only to limb positions and the muscles upon them, but also in my torso, organs shifting in my abdomen altering my lung capacity and rib position.

Pain has been constant and significant, but always shifting.  Sometimes, it's a diffuse discomfort.  Others, it is sharp and exquisite, as when a segment of muscle moves to a new position, ripping across ribs, or when my leg suddenly has slack after a hip alteration such that my knee dislocates as thigh and calf muscles slide and shift to make up the difference.

I am spent.

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And yet, I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not know if it is The Light of The Path,

Or a semi-truck with one headlight out barrelling towards me as I stand, eyes closed, about to become road kill.

Either way, in my current state of exhaustion, it would be salvation.

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I believe I have been wrong about something, all this time.  More off the mark, than wrong, but still . . .

I have long characterized myself as "all Yin, no Yang" to express how one sided I am.  This was a subjective illusion, I have now come to believe.

It is very difficult to express, and the Yin-Yang concept still fits locally, per several muscle groups, but not in terms of their connections.  This, too, suggests why my unfolding has been so difficult.

I believe the injury of my youth pulled muscle systems into the creases, past the creases of limb joints.  Imagine a quadricep, still partially atop the thigh, but also stretching into and to the side of the hip, where ligament should be.  The result, over the course of my life, was to develop a walk which predominantly uses the wrong muscle groups at the wrong time. 

To lift my leg, I mainly flex the portion of quad in my hip.  This is rampant throughout.  Everything I do is wrong, backwards.  Or was, and so returns when I let down my concentration.

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Dammit!  I had two topics in my head before wrapping up (the above and one more) and forgot the second while writing about my backwardsness.  Perhaps I should have gone second idea first, and my backwards nature would have let me recall them both.

Another day, perhaps.