[song I wrote some 35 years ago. Wish I’d have died back then]
Spend my whole driving
A race that’s never won
Life is just to long
To not have any fun
Another sleepless night
I wander through a valley
I search a mountain top
Meandering through this world
The loneliness won’t stop
Another sleepless night
Debating over byways
Which road there is to take
In this race without and end line
It’s my will that’s doomed to break
Another sleepless night
It is time to shit or get off the pot.
Adjustments and agony are at an all time high.
I am once again friendless. Nothing to help get me through the days. There is only pain.
Now, begin the countdown. Let insanity reign!
I shall evolve. I shall unfold my love and become human, become able to rest, to experience life instead of suffer this sensory overload of pain and discomfort.
I have a snorkel.
I will adjust in ways I could not before, no longer able to raise my head from the water to breathe.
It will work. Or I will die. I will push until I can push no more.
I may go crazy. I may drown. I may drown laughing.
They say it is a horrifically painful way to die. They don’t know pain.
This will be the story of me, the occasional genius, the seer of visions, the insanity and loneliness of chronic pain, the hope for relief.
It is time to get reckless. I have no more will to live. Only a change for the better can save me now.
Place your bets. Smart money is on a painful death crying out in rage at those that left me alone in agony, likely underwater.
I wish she would not have been mean to me. I am too weak now, too old. They tried to help, but the frustrations of experiencing ME led to treating me like the lesser human I am, disregarding my pain, dismissive of my special needs, lost compassion regarding my pain and discomfort.
Did they believe? Never.
I would have given them everything. They would not listen. I helped them to their greatest joy and they would not trust me afterwards! The hubris! They could not trust or have faith in a broken human. I see paths of how they will fail without me. I tried to show them the path. Her choice.
He was the most honorable man and friend I would ever know. I miss him already.
How with this strange trip turn out? Will I evolve? Will I drown and finally know peace? Will the story ever be known? What will William think of his mother, the narcissist.
My mother was a narcissist. My life has been a horror, a tragedy.
I shall know peace and release.
There is a limit to happiness.
“I couldn’t be happier.” You have said it, perhaps, and were correct at the time.
There is no limit to pain.
Tempt this reality by saying, “It can’t get any worse.” I dare you. See what happens.
I am a cripple with special needs, on the spectrum, and live in chronic pain, ever changing by the nightmare of hypermobility…
and they, the best friends I had ever known, unable to endure me any longer, became mean.
I hope for death, but I am not that lucky.
