Monday, April 18, 2016

First swim, enter curse words of choice

i tried to bike to the pool.

I got there and back, with multiple thigh subluxations along the way.

The "swim" was no better.  One limb was constantly pulling out of the socket.  500 meters of various paddling and kicking, wanting to scream the entire time.

Oh, and I start the season at 244 pounds.  Ouch.

I have serious doubts any further "rehab" is going to be possible.  I will give it my all, everything I can muster, to learn if I can.  I know this means agony, but the alternative is letting myself go completely and not lasting much longer.

This is going to suck.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Well, not dead yet . . .

I'm not dead yet.

This winter has been torture, however.  I feel worse, look worse, and basically have gotten worse.  Walking has become not just painful, but difficult.  Just being has become, tough.

Of course, changes continue.

Part of me wants to believe this feeling I am experiencing is analogous to squeezing something through a small opening, that it hurts so much because it is close to done, but that I am near finishing the task.  Unfortunately, I now doubt this very much.

I have known the "almost there" belief for too many years, and this boy is done crying wolf.

Even if there is an "opening" to metaphorically squeeze through, it is likely too far or two small for me to achieve.  I'm not going to win.  If anything, one of these days I will slide something into a position that chokes me, my collar bone and throat being the mess they are.

That said, I couldn't stop "adjusting" if I wanted to.  The process continues.

I am miserable.