Friday, January 27, 2012

F*ing Kaiser!

I saw a story on Morgellons Disease last night.  It is a rare dermatological condition which includes lesions and painful stinging sensations.  The CDC has determined it is not infectious or caused by environmental factors.  What got to me was the TV story, interviewing some individuals with the condition, that were told by Kaiser they were delusional instead of treating them medically.

It was familiar enough and aggravating enough to get an exasperated "mother fucker" out of me while my daughter was still in the room.  That type of parental faux pas is usually limited to televised Cal games.

*     *     *     *     *

My case did have some similarities, years ago, back when my pain was excruciating.  I did have boils breaking out in many places, which I have presumed to be associated with ingrown hairs, the result of skin and muscle movements relative to each other.  Different levels of the dermis pulled in different directions caused tiny hairs to be trapped under the skin, forming infections similar to pimple formation.  My layman's position.

Of course, my Kaiser doctor looked at them, the boils in seemingly non-random patterns, many broken open by myself, and began questioning me on drug use. 

Hell, I didn't even know what "poppers" were.  My shoulders were in agony.  Yet, like those suffering from Morgellons, my Kaiser doctor opted to presume delusional as a diagnosis, hoping for confirmation by a drug test.  I found this laughable (I did, in fact, laugh in her face when it dawned on me what she was postulating - probably not a good thing, looking back).  Being phobic of needles, more specifically, needles to my forearms, the idea that I was shooting up was absurd.

I had wanted pain killers and an MRI or some such test to see if there was physical evidence as to the pain in my arms, something showing how out of position or tweaked things were. The Kaiser doctor wanted a blood test.  I assured her I was not shooting up and was not on drugs, other than some minimal sporadic marijuana usage.  I did, however, understand that she would want me to jump through a hoop before I would get anywhere, so I bargained with her, my wife in the room.  I said I would take her blood test, and that when it came back clean (save a bit of pot), she would then have an MRI of my shoulders done.  She agreed.

It was only after the drug test that I realized she might have been full of crap, so certain of my drug use, so certain that it would come back positive for Heroin, that there would be no MRI.  She might have promised anything to get the test results she was certain would return.  I put the thought away and waited.

Some days later, days I spent in significant pain with no prescription pain killers, I returned to my doctor.  I could read it on her face, that she had been full of shit.  I cannot recall the specifics, and am too tired at present to go digging up my journal account, but things went kind of like this:

She began, "Well, the blood tests came back all normal.  I think a trip back to Psychiatry . . . "
I cut her off in disbelief and disappointment, "No, you're not going to do this, . . . , really?"
"We had made a deal, remember?  When my test came back clean you would get me an MRI."
"I never said that."
Exasperated, I turned to my, then girlfriend of 8+ years.  She said, "Um, yeah, actually, you did."
The doctor turned from my girlfriend to me and smugly asked, "Who, . . , is this . . , " she turns back to my girlfriend, "Who are you?"
"She's my girlfriend."  I began to rant.  "She's an attorney.  And she was here during the last appointment when you said I would get an MRI if my blood test was clean.  That blood test that had me on the verge of tears and a panic attack because I hate needles.  The phobia I told you about."
"I don't, . . . , wait here."  And with that she left the room.

She had left to call security to have me removed.  I left laughing at the absurdity of it all.  I was in agony, she lied, and now was being asked to leave the hospital.  I'll admit I raised my voice, but no more than I would have after catching a police officer in a lie on cross examination and arguing it to judge or jury, stressing my point.

I was called later that day by Kaiser security.  After I told him both my symptoms and the above story, he apologized, noting there must have been a misunderstanding, also noting the doctor said she felt threatened.  Well, golly, I suppose she would feel threatened having been caught in a lie by a person she assumed was delusional.  Of course, I was switched to a new primary care physician, spending a week or more in the same pain, waiting for the next doctor that would insist I go to psychiatry, the next doctor to refuse to test my body via an MRI, the next doctor to refuse giving me any medications for pain.

*     *     *     *     *

I went further into that than I wanted, but I wanted to be clear that I relate to these people with Morgellons Disease.  I was presumed delusional because of two things.  (1) They did not understand what was wrong with me.  They could not even comprehend the difference between "getting taller" and "growing," a precursor to my shoulder pain discussed in previous blog entries.  (2) I was seeking drugs.  OF COURSE I WAS FUCKING SEEKING DRUGS!  MY ARMS WERE COMPULSIVELY SUBLUXING AND I WAS IN RIDICULOUS PAIN FOR MONTHS!  Anyways . . .

For those familiar with The Structure of Scientific Revolution by Kuhn, this is a predictable outcome when "scientists" confront anomalous data.  They disregard.  They look the other way.  They ignore.  At Kaiser, the fallback position is to label the patient delusional and send them to Psych, pump them up with anti-psychotics, and hope it makes the individual less cognizant of their symptoms.

As for Morgellons Disease, a segment of the scientific community still relies upon delusion.  At least the people of the CDC were not so myopic:

“We believe that these people have something and their quality of life [has] in some instances been very seriously impacted,” says Mark Eberhard, the CDC’s director of the division of parasitic diseases and malaria and a study author. “We’re not saying this is made up. There could be a constellation of factors.”

It was over 2 years before a Kaiser doctor took that position with me, and began at least trying to help me.  I am tempted to consider if Morgellans, too, could have postural misalignment at it's source, but I don't know enough about the condition.  At Kaiser, how lesions and pain can be considered delusion is an outrage beyond rational explanation.  At least in my case, the idiots could not comprehend parts of the problem, which, while unique, still presented plenty of tangible evidence proving my assertions. 

These people with Morgellans have open wounds!  OPEN WOUNDS!  The disease is a documented condition!  And Kaiser disregards and marginalizes them by sending them to Psychiatry.

Of this, I am certain, insurance companies have turned doctors into Searle Boxes.  (See Chinese Rooms.)  They do not think for themselves, at all.  And Kaiser doctors, they are probably the worst.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Tuesday, April 26, 2011 at 3:22pm

[Posted as a note on my facebook account, this is the only other significant attempt to publicly express a portion of my tale.  Again, for informational purposes.  All further entries will be newly created, though I do intend to include quotes and portions of journal entries when trying to describe certain events, as well as to lend them some credibility.  As can probably be inferred from this and the previous two entries, chronic pain lead not only to desperation, but doubt as well.  It would be useful to note that, while still in some pain, things have finally progressed to points where I am certain about what I am doing.  I may not get to The Path.  It may be physically impossible, like trying to force a bent metallic slinky back into shape.  That does not, however, mean I cannot achieve my goals of expressing what I lived through, what I believe it implies, and helping others finish the task of quantifying The Path.]

*     *     *     *     *

I could use some assistance.

I'll try to keep this short, and hope it makes sense, I'm in a bit of pain at the moment. I rarely am in the mood to try to write this out, and it is way too long to do correctly (my eventual book, I hope). Too hard to tell chronologically, I'll give what I believe, what the main problems are, and then ask for help.

What I believe:
I dislocated my arm 35 years ago at age 5 while being pulled from underneath a car. The sled I was on went under the front of it. My stomach was completely tucked, diaphragm practically in my throat, because the car's license plate was slicing through my clothes into my abdomen. Afterwards, my shoulder hurt more than anything else.

It was never checked, and I believe something was kinked, like tangled curtain cords.

I then grew up, always depressed, always displaying the ADHD symptoms of being uncomfortable, although never treated until after age 30.

Around 33, I realized I spent far too much energy walking, in how I walked. I hoped maybe improving the classical posture of the way I walked could possibly result in improving my mood. I did some math. Then, I applied it to how I walked for several months.

Eventually (and this is very condensed), the new walk became almost habitual. Some time later (SOBER!), while simply bending over, I had a sensation like a slip knot untying in my back, an overwhelming euphoria came over me, a pain I had never realized was there vanished. I also felt some new pains, but they were insignificant compared to how good I then felt. I also felt taller.

[Important to note, since before I was 17, I was always 5' 9 1/2" tall, ALWAYS. I didn't lose any height over the course of the day as I now know many people do. While some doubt my memory on this, I did run track and hung out with athletes. I could dunk a basketball on most outdoor rims (slightly lower, usually) and a volleyball on an indoor rim. It may just be a guy thing, but believe I knew my height. If you are under 6' and can dunk anything, you tend to know your height.]

I measured myself after this feeling occurred, and I was a quarter inch taller. Please understand that I did not GROW. It was instantaneous. I just got taller. My physical structure, the posture of my spine and organs, shifted in some way as to result in me being taller.

This happened several times over the next few months, myself believing I had figured something out and was getting better, likely approaching the posture I was meant to have, but for the injury when 5 years old. After several months, I stood 5' 11". The pain increased over time, as did structural changes to how many of my parts (collar bone, arms) related to each other.

Problem One:
At the first change, I was seeing a Psychologist for my ADHD and had just moved to a new city, so medical records were trailing me. To make a Kafka novel short, the first doctor I saw did not believe me, referring me back to my shrink, who nodded as if he listened to me but determined me delusional [So, the fuck stick didn't take notes of my claims, which would have helped as I told him new, higher heights over the course of meetings which could have easily been verified!]. For several YEARS, I was given no pain medication as the resultant hypermobility and underdeveloped muscles in new positions created agony (at one point my collar bone moved nearly as much as a woman's pelvis while in labor). Suffice it to say that I am now insane from significant pain and have Pavlovian hatred for doctors.
Now, I have new doctors which have been willing to accommodate me with medications for pain, but have not been willing or able to investigate my, for lack of better words, significant misalignment or continued misalignment. This past week, I have had significant "adjustments" around my shoulders, neck, and hip sockets, much more severe than anything since the months after the height changes stopped. Yet, I have also added another 3/16th of an inch in height, and pain is beginning to win again, even with decent meds. While I am hopeful I can simulate the movements for my current doctor (appointment in a few days), I have thought that before and been unable to show or articulate anything such as to develop a line of inquiry the doctor would or could follow.

Any Thoughts?

Notes - people tend to not get taller after 30 without a brain tumor causing growth, so doctors have been ignoring me out of hand as if I were telling a 15th Century clergyman I have evidence that the world was round. Also, because of the severity of things and physical changes which have been occurring, I am very reluctant to go to a chiropractor, likely to go, "interesting, let's try this," while he pushes on malleable parts without ever having experienced anything in quite the range of what I am living. I would much rather have an MRI or some other test show a problem first (of course this is why doctors need to be interested enough to justify the experience with insurers). Otherwise, it would be like a child pulling at a knot, unknowing if he is correcting or worsening the situation.

I do have hope, and early on believed, that this will eventually work itself out. But I am reaching points where my right shoulder and neck contort to possibly dangerous degrees, and as I noted before, my pain is increasing.

If you have any thoughts, please message me. I'll get back to you as I can, though I sometimes intentionally avoid this topic and use the little time I am functional during the day for other purposes (daughter, or momentary entertainments). I'll answer whatever questions you may have. I left out tons, having written 2 1/2 journals before writing became too difficult, and I have a great many tangential theories which support and/or augment my beliefs. I have checked many, many pathways, so don't be surprised if I did it already, but do not assume I have checked anything.

After all, I spent almost 30 years not knowing my body was perverted, like the Beatles were singing "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" to me, and I never realized they were trying to tell me something. I just never questioned my differences from others. When things were there most awkward, puberty, I just assumed my differences were exactly what everyone talked about when they spoke of puberty. I'm saying I could be overlooking something obvious to everyone else but me. LOL. My wife can corroborate the changes and my story, so the obvious thing I am not mistaken about is not delusion. Probably should have written that earlier.

OK, this was one draft and I may or may not revisit it, so I'm sure there are errors, but I want it out there. Writing this was exhausting.

Posted 2/22/2010 10:39 AM PST

[Not doing to well lately, but wanted to add some more.]

I want to touch on two things, some of the structural changes that started happening to me, and one of the things I learned after the fact.

I said before the posture change that increased my height lead to physical structural changes. It is the only way I can describe them.

Some were simple. My shoulders began to move their resting position relative to my torso. If you remember those old school dolls (the preceders to action figures), those 8 inch tall Batman or GI Joe dolls, well, the arms were held in their sockets by a rubber band. I felt much like one of those, where the rubber band had been twisted so many times that it folded, making the arm stick out oddly. Instead of sitting as they did, the whole arm was moved forward.

Yet, even the simple had complicated elements. One arm was twisted in the opposite direction as the other, one clockwise, one counter-clockwise. I want to go more into it, but it is simply to hard to explain. Basically, I believe I had been contorted, some muscles overdeveloped and dominant, others underdeveloped and practically non-existent. Muscles, too, I believe had been stretched out of place.

At one point, right after an "adjustment", I felt my neck seem to shift it's position. I went to the mirror. After a while, I noticed my smile. It was different, radically different from what I had always known. It curled up like a normal persons. My smile was always straight. Believe me. I was teased for it as a youth. Some muscles must have been released into the positions they were supposed to maintain, allowing a real smile.

* * * * * *

OK, there was much much more, and I at least mentioned that I believed my body had been twisted, contorted, such that I stood at a height shorter than my body was meant to. The new walk had, over quite some time, allowed something to free itself, resulting in changes throughout my body and the increase in height.

These changes still continue. If I am up to it, I will get more into it in a later post, but now I want to note something I am pretty certain about.

Over two years after the real pain began, then subsided, to where I was no longer screaming for help while unable to get off of the floor and doctors would not assist, I finally was able to do some more in depth research on the net. Height increases do not seem to happen, it would appear, which does explain a bit as to why my doctors did not even wish to entertain the possibility.

Do not, I did see some cases of women claiming to have gotten taller after childbirth. This does fit my model in the sense that carrying the child to term could have freed postural problems much like my changed walk over time had.

However, I did find a neat fact, well known in Psychiatry circles. Many studies note (lets call it conclude) that ADD children grow at a slower rate then normal children and do not reach their projected heights. Some of you may see where I am going already. This "fact" is written off as anomalous data which no studies I could find investigate whatsoever.

I am a student of Kuhn's The Structure of Scientific Revolution. Just as progress depends on the unreasonable man, science can only improve through the investigation of anomalous data. Today's Psychiatrists like to believe that the brain malfunction responsible for ADD (which they like to throw meds at to see what happens) also cause a lack of height, probably due to some hormone deficiency they as yet do not understand. It is nothing but guesswork and corrolational studies, no causational studies.

Well, lets try some common sense. If I was twisted and in pain, wouldn't I display the symptoms commonly associated with ADD? Smash your thumb with a hammer and see if you don't act like an ADD kid for a while.

These twists, these kinks, these portions of underdeveloped muscle, held back my height. I was growing to a height of 5' 11", but just didn't get there because I was contorted. Is it so ridiculous to suggest that at least a significant subset of children diagnosed with ADD, who are not "growing" at the rate of normal kids are really just contorting? Could yoga, chiropractic care, or even just different shoes (to adjust their walk) put them on a course as they grow to correct their posture, reduce kinks and or pain in the synaptic connections of their body, and thereby reduce symptoms of ADD?

Well, I am certain that I am mostly right. Told this, Kaiser docs, both Psych and normal, wanted nothing to do with it. I am not sure they even listened. My new docs may be listening, but are undoubtedly too busy to be able to do anything with it. Maybe someone who can or someone who knows someone who can will read this.

LET ME BE CLEAR - I currently believe this MAY help children. Adults would likely end up like myself. I have not gone nearly into detail as to how much pain I am in and how pathetic my life has become. Even if I manage to become "normal" or even functional, as my body was not investigated, as my posture prior to change was not documented, there is no telling where I sat on the spectrum of contorted postures, though I believe it likely I was near an extreme. What am I saying? Do not try this out. I would not wish my fate on my worst enemy.

I just hope that what I know to be correct, at least in part, will become of interest to the medical community. Enough for today. I Hope it makes sense.

Last - the current physical condition is hypermobility (limbs can't stay in their sockets) with compulsive "adjustments" (I can't help but continue to move pieces around to lessen pain and constant discomfort). While the continued voluntary movements are likely keeping things loose, it does aid in strengthening the muscles that do the moving. As I have yet to feel the same for any two week period, progress (I hope) is still occurring.

The latest maddening aspects (2): One, I can flex my deltoids and look a little like Takeo Spikes (neck up, the rest of me is that grotesque fat yellow demon guy from Sin City). Two, recent "adjustments" twice in the past month have release chunks of muscle up my neck toward my ear, with bouts of seasickness following the next day (the second time being pretty bad for a day and a half). I presume the muscle movement screwed with the positioning of my inner ear, wreaking havoc with my balance.

Complex problem, but no suggestion would go without real consideration. I should add that I believe some of my "adjustments" are similar to Rolf Message adjustments in that they break stagnant tissue. Hence,letting muscle move to where it should be. I should also add that my conceptualization of this "contorted" body could very well have far ranging implications do to huge yet possibly predictable ways such "kinks" could manifest themselves (it could be the cause of a huge variety of differing ailments). OK, really sore now. Thanks for reading.

[As yet a first draft with minimal editing.]

Posted 2/6/2010 9:33 AM PST

[Entitled "My Situation - Part I" from my profile.  Entered for completeness, this mess of a post was written while in substantial pain.  My apologies in advance.  Feel free to skip to non-historic posts, should they exist, as I hope to express what follows in better form.  This post is for the informational purposes of the interested.]

*     *     *     *     *

I have tried many times to write the basics out. I will try to get what I think are the most important facts, with a few references, and maybe a few of the entertaining tidbits. Know that I have a couple hundred hand written pages regarding what I went through (roughly 85% of which were journal type entries done before my arms became pretty unusable). Basically, I am pretty sure I have a book to write if I become able.

Given that I am quite self aware that my brain is slipping, I will gladly expand on any questions submitted, update the entry if possible, whatever. I know I will likely be unable to properly explain not only what I have been through, but what my hypothesis is as well. At least I am certain I can not explain it as specifically as I would like. Well, here we go.

First know that I have always been miserable, an odd individual. I was labelled "disturbed" by one of my closest friends. Once an adult, I learned that teachers had often requested I be put on ADD medications. My mother, a former teacher, refused to believe her son was "one of those" and elected to ignore the advice.

At 30, I began taking Aderall, and my brain was freed like never before. Know that I was always able to excel in studies and such, but never for extended periods. Example: My first law school exam, Property. I was the last one to finish reading (always a terribly slow reader, the pace of speech) yet always the first one done. Many thought I quit the exam as I left the room under 2 hours into it. Got a B+, on the damn Hastings curve, because while I had the questions all correct, I simply did not write enough to get an A, according to the Professor.

I noted this to point out that I have had my moments, mentally. I am (was) one of those people you meet and think, "Wow, this guy is really smart, but something is really amiss with him." This is separate from being a social misfit. More like, I perceived just about everything slightly different than everyone else, making basic conversation awkward at times (more like most of the time, I imagine).

This was prior to the Aderall. Post-Aderall, I could focus longer, could maintain conversations better, etc, could even count cards. It was pretty much a classic example of what the medication could do for an individual. Something, however, was still amiss. Fate (for I do not wish to get into it, being a whole other story - good one though) lead to an unemployment stretch and a decent bout of depression. I decided to turn my brain toward myself and see if I could figure out my real, more deep seeded, issues.

* * * * * * * *

Theories, theories, theories. Just know that for nearly a year, I was very introspective with occasional self-realizations, but nothing of tremendous significance. I did, however, entertain thoughts on topics I used to contemplate back when I enjoyed Physics - like the near oxymoron classification of the Gravitational Constant of the Universe.

Though possibly important to this discussion, I am not ready to get into any of the theories I entertained regarding the nature of the universe. I do not really know how to present them or properly articulate them. I did, however, realize the significance of waves. I always knew they dominated our existence, but never realized how insignificant physical matter was compared to wave energy. This realization lead to a rethinking of my personal issues.

To dumb it down - I wondered if ADD was really just feedback interference in the mind. I know I cannot do this justice at present. But basically I combined my knowledge of the Inversion Goggle Experiment (the brain adjusts itself in order to function) with simple ideas of feedback (from the screech of a microphone by a speaker to informational feedback like radar). If the mind keeps adjusting to differing internal stimuli, could that be causing the "distractions" associated with ADD? [Again, oversimplifying.]

Later, after thoughts regarding oscillation as a source of energy (an idea I really wish to return to some day), I thought about guitar tuning (I could never play. Hell, I could never even hold a guitar right, but I knew how to tune one). The idea of a internal kink in the bodies synaptic connection occurred to me, that that could cause the feedback I thought of earlier. The idea sat alone for a long time.

The most significant idea I had came to me because I was trying to analyze my physical self. I thought about my walk, which I had been told was very distinctive. I was a fast walker, very much on my toes (I grew up on a hill was what I always believed to be behind this). I had a significant forward lean, and put forth a great deal of energy with every step.

Yet, I had been considering evolution. So much effort went into each of my steps, but evolution would suggest the gait that uses the least energy would be more apt to be passed on, did it not? Was the way I walked wrong? I knew I did not have very good posture (though know one can never know just how bad there own posture really is). Did my walk effect my posture?

I decided to change my walk. I did some math (all in notes somewhere) and came up with a way to focus on each step, resulting in a walk that had my normal carriage quite changed. It was not the easiest thing to maintain.

Know that I am the kind of wierdo who has in fact watched a pot of water come to boil to see if I could do it, never turning my attention away. In retrospect, that was easy compared to the focus I maintained for the next several months. Most every step, whether from the couch to the fridge, across the dog park, or hiking in the East Bay hills, I did my best to use the NEW walk.

I forgot to add that, while I hardly practiced yoga, I knew a little, primarily the sunrise salute. This I did every once in a while, often before a hike or whenever I felt the need to stretch. This practice did not increase or decrease with my using the new walk.

* * * * *

OK, time for a break. Fate stepped in again. Don't need to get into it too much, but my inability to deviate from what I believed ethical, my integrity, basically, which had lead to my unemployment, also lead to the lack of employment opportunities of my wife (we had been in the same office). As such, her only employment opportunity lead us to Sacramento. My fault. You can imagine my depression that followed. Yes, I am still miserable at being here more than anything else. I so miss the Bay.

That said, I had to leave my friends, and more importantly, my doctors, behind. Kaiser took a long time to get my medical records transferred, which you will see, caused issues. Things are about to get weird.

So, I had new doctors, most notably a new psychiatrist to get Aderall from, one who straight away did not seem to like taking my word about how I ended up getting Aderall, the hoops I had already jumped through, nor my alleged improvements. He kept prescribing, but seemed quite reticent.

Still, I continued trying my new walk, which I brought up to the new Psych doc. His thoughts were that posture improvement could never be a bad thing, and even suggested some readings which I do not recall.

* * * * * *

The first time it happened was the oddest, most confusing experience of my life. I have the details written out in journal entries. My wife wrote them on this first occasion. I dictated. I was unable to write. I was unable to stay still or calm down. I had done something incredible.

While doing chores outside, I felt something akin to a slipknot unworking itself in my back. A great sensation of power filled my body. I even felt taller. I felt euphoric. My throat felt odd, and I coughed up an absolutely disgusting glob of caked mucus and blood that must have been hanging from my sinuses for who knows how long. But, . . . , I felt taller.

There was also a realization that a great pain had eased. Something that nagged me for so long that I did not even notice it until it was gone. It was quite a realization. There was some new pain, too, further up my back from where the slipknot seemed to have been, but it was nothing, really. Compared to the pain I had not realized I was even in (the one that, now gone, had me euphoric), it was no more than a minor bump or bruise. I felt so much energy flowing through me, and, again, I felt taller.

I had always been precisely 5' 9 1/2" tall, since 16, and I was now 33. I measured myself. Sure enough, I was, in fact, a quarter inch taller.

* * * * * * *

I need to note the first problem which arose at this time, and my first poor decision. I failed to go to my new doctor with this news. I had a psych appointment, the usual one to go with the renewal of an Aderall script, and decided to tell him instead. After all, he was a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, so he was supposedly a doctor, and had even suggested books regarding posture changes for health benefits to me.

By the time I saw him, another two slipknots untied. or as I called it, I had two more "adjustments" in my back. I now stood 5' 10", a half inch taller. Each height increase had been instantaneous with the "adjustments".

As I told my Psych doc this, including the pain portions, he nodded interestingly, making notes, and then giving me my script. He did add that he would like to meet my wife. To this, I thought, OK, he wants confirmation of my claims. It would turn out I was grossly wrong.

Psych Doc concluded I was delusional and needed to be taken off of Aderall (his notes mentioned my claim, incorrectly, to have "grown" and failed to include the amount). When my wife and I next met with him, the confrontation over stopping Aderall commenced. He had no interest in my wife's confirmation of my height change. No, to him, I was clearly delusional.

This in itself can become a book's worth of information on what happened with Kaiser's psych department and how it spilled into the physician care aspects as well. I tire and probably need a few days before trying to write so much again. But let me just add a little more before I stop.

* * * * *

I became stubborn with Psych and abandoned them, KNOWING I was onto something beyond Psych Doc's comprehension and assuming (ooops) all would be fine sooner or later (wrong on both counts).

The adjustments would continue, my height eventually reaching a touch over 5' 11", over an inch and a half taller than I ever was.

That pain that originally was nothing became much more than nothing. Kaiser, convinced I become a drug addict because of Aderall and was already diagnosed as delusional by the Psych department, did NOTHING but refer me back to Psych. No pain medication. No real examination of my claims (even after a year had passed and my medical records confirming the height change had finally arrived).

One doctor had me touch my nose like the DUI testing, then told me I did not have a brain tumor, and as such could not have grown. For two years, no one was able to distinguish between getting taller and growing. Try being in excruciating pain with doctors quite literally unable to comprehend what you tell them while they presume you to be insane, such fun. As I said above, I could write a novel on the Kaiser experience alone. My own biographical Kafka novel, anyways . . .

The "adjustments" which continues were no longer slipknots, but significant skeletal posture/placement changes of position, radically altering my physique, my posture, and even my facial expressions. These changes I must touch on in my next entry. I hope to include the deductions I have made, the theories I have made, and why they may be relevant in significant ways.

I am at peace with the rather high probability that I will not get well, even relatively, but I believe this experience can prove very important for others down the road, and that (helping others) may help me get to sleep a night or two just a little better. Admittedly, I have not given up hope for myself completely, not yet.

[poorly edited once while not in the best of shape. my apologies.]

What I Know - The First Entry

[The following is the latest of several dozen, at the time, legitimate efforts to begin writing that which I am compelled to write.  The desire to put the concepts to prose, and my story, kept me from following thoughts of suicide back when things were, . . . , difficult.  Out of anger, out of compassion, out of hubris, I imagine all had a significant roll in this compulsion, anger at the doctors that ignored my pleas, compassion in wanting others to stop suffering in ignorance, and hubris, because I cannot deny how heartbroken I would be to learn I am totally wrong, so I must have pride and longing to be right.

It is my goal to produce a book, eventually.  This forum shall be where, when able, I shall attempt to outline portions and/or craft rough drafts.  That said, questions and/or corrections, no matter how small or large, will be appreciated in the comment section.  While I have not figured out how I shall, with precision, identify that which is fact (like my getting taller or "structural" changes to my person) from perception (the subjective feelings of certain experiences) from theories, I hope that in these entries they will be facially obvious.

It may be useful to take a listen to The Beatles' While My Guitar Gently Weeps if the lyrics do not come fresh to mind.  This entry is clearly rooted in some of the language expressed therein.  Not crucial, but again, it does note I am not trying to say anything new.  So many have tried to express it before in so many ways, only to be misinterpreted or not fully realized.  Or maybe I am so off of field I don't recognize that most do know?  Sigh.

Already exhausted (several hours on this page), my mind is shot.  It takes far too much effort to reorganize my attempted writings, so this is it, for this attempt, anyways.  Last, subsequent to this post, I shall paste a pair of my previous public attempts to write about my story, both coming during times of desperation, when I was searching for help via a message in a bottle, but both containing portions which may add context to this entry which otherwise may be difficult to take seriously.]

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I have no idea when I shall sit and attempt to continue this endeavor.  Yet, here is the preface, or rather, my proclamation. 

I know something important.  I am certain of it.  Hopefully, after I am capable of getting it all down in prose, so it can be experienced by others.

In general terms, in Eastern terms, I found my balance, my center, my Chi.  For clarification's sake, I have not reached that balanced point yet.  I have not experienced physical enlightenment.  I have not known my Chi.  It would be more accurate to say I discovered it's existence, I can see it, and I am on my way toward experiencing it, and with it, a moment of piece. 

Believe me, I have not had a moment of piece, possibly ever.  Yet now, I know , I am on a path to The Path. 

Of The Path, I, too, have realized that one cannot travel upon It, but merely cross It with each step.  And I cannot wait to cross It.

My ultimate goal (aside from crossing The Path myself and experiencing even just a moment of piece) is to articulate a manner in which individuals more intelligent than myself, more knowledged in a wide variety of fields including mathematics and physical dynamics, can take what I am trying to explain and quantify one's center, one's Chi, and thereby be able to physically map the manner every individual is supposed to exist, posturally, to help everyone find their balance.  Every person's will be different, unique for themselves, yet identifiable.

At it's most simplistic, it would be the absolute posture one's body is supposed to maintain as determined by genetics.  I believe it can be mapped.  I believe it is not only possible, but a certainty to happen eventually, one that reoccurs over time, just in differing means of expression.  Let me explain.

To be balanced is to be upon The Path.  No one can remain there, at least not for long.  The enlightened spend their time straddling it.  Most people, well, lets go with most Americans, have no idea even of it's existence.  We (yes, American am I) live off The Path.  Some walk parallel to it, while most walk further and further from it with every step.  This group makes up your standard Bell curve, most, some 95%, are a reasonable (relatively speaking) distance from The Path, a few are astoundingly far from it.

I was astoundingly far from it.

Worse, I was of such an unlikely sort as to have no idea I was so far from it.  I was a perversion, only one which, by chance (?), was "normal" enough to believe he was normal.

Make no mistake.  I was an oddity as a youth and teen.  My best friend Labelled me "disturbed," and she was quite right.  Only, I did not know it.  I knew I was different, but not that I was wrong.  The odd things about me, I chalked up to being a teen.  "Everyone thinks they are different and have unique problems," a guidance counselor would say to the entire school.  I figured my uniqueness was merely subjective.  How easily the brain will opt to believe it fits in.  I ignored the physical feats I could perform and my unusual abdomen, considering my self special instead of wrong.

Those stories, descriptions, and facts are for other portions of my tale, however.  Here, it is enough to know that I was so unlike others.  So, . . . perverted, that my physical form caused mental anguish greater than I could stand.  My nervous system was out of sync.  A crash was inevitable.  I, as I believe many have before me, crashed from existing too far from The Path, and I took refuge through Psychiatry.

I found some help there, but the complications of the perversion I had become could not be stilled.  I could find no peace from any drugs, prescription or otherwise.  I gave up, and in giving up, the seed of change was planted.  I had somehow been so far from The Path, so perverted, that in a moment of heightened exhaustion, I was able to see I was not physically right.

That was when I applied myself.  A simple task at first, altering how I walked, but it had significant ramifications.  In time, I gained over an inch and a half in height, untying knots in my body, using muscles left in atrophy for decades.  Several of my bones changed the way they had positioned themselves for as long as I could remember.  That was when I realized that which I believe so many others have known before me, what Buddha discovered under a tree, what John discovered through baptism.  To use Beatles lyrics, It was not that I had learned how to unfold my love (that I had yet, and have yet, to master or accomplish fully), but I had realized that I was folded, quite literally.

So, what does this matter?  Well, that 95% of individuals in the center of the Bell curve.  They, likely you, are not far enough from The Path so see it, to feel it, to discover it.  But perhaps, if I can articulate myself well enough to bring you through what I have been and still am going through, you will, and much more likely than not, without the pain.  The slightest deviation from The Path causes suffering, physical suffering that over time, goes unnoticed because of it's constant presence, yet physiologically has a dramatic effect on the nervous system (I theorize), and thereby one's mental faculties.

I believe it is a commonality historically that people like myself come along, so perverted that they invariably find enlightenment, or, I suppose, die insane and in excruciating pain.  It is cyclical.  I have reason to believe many a prophet was simply articulating their conception of The Path in the words of their time, in the terms of their own experience.  Do not overreact to this statement, please.  My meaning will be plain soon enough. 

As a simple example, I suggest it is not coincidental that Muslim prayer and yoga's Child's Pose are so similar in both physical postural nature and it's mental and physiological consequences.  They are two truisms to aid the body remain close to The Path.  Both are correct in their own terms.  One may more correct than others, just as I am certain this attempt will be no where near as accurate as that which has been or will be expressed in better terms.  Yet, I do believe, sincerely, that The Path can be expressed scientifically, quantified in some numerical fashion.  Some will be able to do so in the future.  I mean to help nudge the endeavor in this new direction.

I mean to help start a new age of understanding The Path that incorporates scientific quantification of the human condition.

Now, that shouldn't be so hard, right?