Thursday, January 26, 2012

Tuesday, April 26, 2011 at 3:22pm

[Posted as a note on my facebook account, this is the only other significant attempt to publicly express a portion of my tale.  Again, for informational purposes.  All further entries will be newly created, though I do intend to include quotes and portions of journal entries when trying to describe certain events, as well as to lend them some credibility.  As can probably be inferred from this and the previous two entries, chronic pain lead not only to desperation, but doubt as well.  It would be useful to note that, while still in some pain, things have finally progressed to points where I am certain about what I am doing.  I may not get to The Path.  It may be physically impossible, like trying to force a bent metallic slinky back into shape.  That does not, however, mean I cannot achieve my goals of expressing what I lived through, what I believe it implies, and helping others finish the task of quantifying The Path.]

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I could use some assistance.

I'll try to keep this short, and hope it makes sense, I'm in a bit of pain at the moment. I rarely am in the mood to try to write this out, and it is way too long to do correctly (my eventual book, I hope). Too hard to tell chronologically, I'll give what I believe, what the main problems are, and then ask for help.

What I believe:
I dislocated my arm 35 years ago at age 5 while being pulled from underneath a car. The sled I was on went under the front of it. My stomach was completely tucked, diaphragm practically in my throat, because the car's license plate was slicing through my clothes into my abdomen. Afterwards, my shoulder hurt more than anything else.

It was never checked, and I believe something was kinked, like tangled curtain cords.

I then grew up, always depressed, always displaying the ADHD symptoms of being uncomfortable, although never treated until after age 30.

Around 33, I realized I spent far too much energy walking, in how I walked. I hoped maybe improving the classical posture of the way I walked could possibly result in improving my mood. I did some math. Then, I applied it to how I walked for several months.

Eventually (and this is very condensed), the new walk became almost habitual. Some time later (SOBER!), while simply bending over, I had a sensation like a slip knot untying in my back, an overwhelming euphoria came over me, a pain I had never realized was there vanished. I also felt some new pains, but they were insignificant compared to how good I then felt. I also felt taller.

[Important to note, since before I was 17, I was always 5' 9 1/2" tall, ALWAYS. I didn't lose any height over the course of the day as I now know many people do. While some doubt my memory on this, I did run track and hung out with athletes. I could dunk a basketball on most outdoor rims (slightly lower, usually) and a volleyball on an indoor rim. It may just be a guy thing, but believe I knew my height. If you are under 6' and can dunk anything, you tend to know your height.]

I measured myself after this feeling occurred, and I was a quarter inch taller. Please understand that I did not GROW. It was instantaneous. I just got taller. My physical structure, the posture of my spine and organs, shifted in some way as to result in me being taller.

This happened several times over the next few months, myself believing I had figured something out and was getting better, likely approaching the posture I was meant to have, but for the injury when 5 years old. After several months, I stood 5' 11". The pain increased over time, as did structural changes to how many of my parts (collar bone, arms) related to each other.

Problem One:
At the first change, I was seeing a Psychologist for my ADHD and had just moved to a new city, so medical records were trailing me. To make a Kafka novel short, the first doctor I saw did not believe me, referring me back to my shrink, who nodded as if he listened to me but determined me delusional [So, the fuck stick didn't take notes of my claims, which would have helped as I told him new, higher heights over the course of meetings which could have easily been verified!]. For several YEARS, I was given no pain medication as the resultant hypermobility and underdeveloped muscles in new positions created agony (at one point my collar bone moved nearly as much as a woman's pelvis while in labor). Suffice it to say that I am now insane from significant pain and have Pavlovian hatred for doctors.
Now, I have new doctors which have been willing to accommodate me with medications for pain, but have not been willing or able to investigate my, for lack of better words, significant misalignment or continued misalignment. This past week, I have had significant "adjustments" around my shoulders, neck, and hip sockets, much more severe than anything since the months after the height changes stopped. Yet, I have also added another 3/16th of an inch in height, and pain is beginning to win again, even with decent meds. While I am hopeful I can simulate the movements for my current doctor (appointment in a few days), I have thought that before and been unable to show or articulate anything such as to develop a line of inquiry the doctor would or could follow.

Any Thoughts?

Notes - people tend to not get taller after 30 without a brain tumor causing growth, so doctors have been ignoring me out of hand as if I were telling a 15th Century clergyman I have evidence that the world was round. Also, because of the severity of things and physical changes which have been occurring, I am very reluctant to go to a chiropractor, likely to go, "interesting, let's try this," while he pushes on malleable parts without ever having experienced anything in quite the range of what I am living. I would much rather have an MRI or some other test show a problem first (of course this is why doctors need to be interested enough to justify the experience with insurers). Otherwise, it would be like a child pulling at a knot, unknowing if he is correcting or worsening the situation.

I do have hope, and early on believed, that this will eventually work itself out. But I am reaching points where my right shoulder and neck contort to possibly dangerous degrees, and as I noted before, my pain is increasing.

If you have any thoughts, please message me. I'll get back to you as I can, though I sometimes intentionally avoid this topic and use the little time I am functional during the day for other purposes (daughter, or momentary entertainments). I'll answer whatever questions you may have. I left out tons, having written 2 1/2 journals before writing became too difficult, and I have a great many tangential theories which support and/or augment my beliefs. I have checked many, many pathways, so don't be surprised if I did it already, but do not assume I have checked anything.

After all, I spent almost 30 years not knowing my body was perverted, like the Beatles were singing "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" to me, and I never realized they were trying to tell me something. I just never questioned my differences from others. When things were there most awkward, puberty, I just assumed my differences were exactly what everyone talked about when they spoke of puberty. I'm saying I could be overlooking something obvious to everyone else but me. LOL. My wife can corroborate the changes and my story, so the obvious thing I am not mistaken about is not delusion. Probably should have written that earlier.

OK, this was one draft and I may or may not revisit it, so I'm sure there are errors, but I want it out there. Writing this was exhausting.

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