Sunday, June 23, 2019

On/In The Puzzle

No idea if this will make sense, I am going to run with as much flow of consciousness as I can on what I came up with at the pool this morning.  I’m a little elated and exhausted, just minutes home after about 3 hours in the pool over 3.5 hours there.  Much more than this has fallen into place, but I don’t think I can risk going into the “illusion of self” aspects this may have in common with Buddhism, but may be worth considering on your own after you finish.

First, what I believe I have always thought of as ME would be my collective stimuli.  This included pain and pleasure, everything.

Simple version of what I believe has been wrong with me: tangled curtain cords.  This, I believe, I have written much about in previous posts.  The points where cords are folded and knotted are both problems to unfold AND sources of stimuli which I have defined as part of ME, points where I get leverage in movement, aspects of my conscious and subconscious are rooted at these points because of it.

For the longest time, my “methodology” (there is method and much madness and I can’t use the word without quotes, lol) is to shake the cords with focused, tiny oscillations which slowly build strength enough to push/pull parts in attempts to unfold.  This process invariably lead to positive results in a cycle that has been written about over and over and over in these pages.  Those focal points noted above, as part of ME, always remained, if not used directly, at least as points of reference.

— — — — — —

Super simplified and part of what I have always held is that each limb is like two cords rotating down the limb in a helix, tight spiral at joints, elongated but still curved along bone.

Consider, metaphorically, these 2 “cords” are tangled curtain cords.  They got pinched in spots and tweaked at joints such as to make one a near full loop out of balance with the other.  This produced knots over time and altered my physical posture and is what I have been slowly and steadily undoing this past decade plus.

These two chords are meant to virtually slide along each other, never touch, never kink.  These are to be flexible and ride along the waves of correct physical movement, ideally with the body in proper posture.

— — — — — —

Now here is something, we’ll, let’s go with very abstract.

Take 1 and -1.  You got nothing.  Yes, yes, you really have two somethings that cancel each other out, but just go with it, okay?

You have nothing, but if the spin around each other, more forces are created.  They become more than nothing, more than a 1 and -1 that can cancel each other out.

— — — — — —

This is where I merges ideas.

Those focal points of increased perception because of kinks in my curtain cords that I identified as ME, I thought of them as illusions, I realized they are not ME.  Having a hard time articulating here.  I am the 1 and -1, or rather, I am the energy that guides the waves which travel the cords that can be thought of as 1 and -1, twirled in a helix.

Those focal points have been deceiving me. They are not ME.

So, mentally, the focal points, the places of pain and discomfort, had to change.  How I think has to change.

Instead of focus, instead of reference, instead of clinging in whatever form, physically or mentally, to these perception areas, I realized they were meant to be just two cords moving freely in sync, but not touching, paths for energy to flow though, not reference points.

In making this mental change (and I am in my infancy of doing so), I had incredible changes in my physical posture, even form.  I am excited as to where this will lead.

Of note - some of these changes lead to perception in the water which spawned memories, sensory recall, if you will, of what it felt like to be ME as a child in the pool where I grew up.  I take this to be great progress, a possible indication of reverting to form closer to the time of my injury.

Last note - still the complication of my injury remains.  I can not come close, yet, to feeling like a collection of cords in proper position, as joint/muscle alignment remains out of place, but this does give me a new technique, a new method to continue the process.

— — — — — —

A metaphor.  Imagine a table top model of a roller coaster with several consecutive loops in the form of a helix.  Now, instead of the roller coaster, turn the tracks for it into a tiny table top traveling that helix.  I am a jigsaw puzzle to put together on that 3D helix table top.  It is a thin long puzzle, one end colored near infra red, then slowly changing along the color spectrum to the other end near ultra violet.  Should not be that hard of a puzzle if the pieces could stick to the table (gravity is a bitch, am I right?).  Too bad not use my eyes to put this puzzle together.

So, for a decade plus, I have been “methodical” in taking each piece and slowly bu surely finding matches, knowing I will eventually get the puzzle worked out, the only question being whether I would live long enough.

Now, with this new way of thinking, it is as if, though I can still not see the puzzle pieces, I realized what edge pieces feel like, and not only that, but I discovered each piece has code on the back which corresponds to the wavelengths of color on the picture side of the piece.  Think how much easier that would make that puzzle to put together.

Yeah, I am pretty optimistic at the moment.

I have been optimistic before, but this really feels like a game changer.

Sunday, April 28, 2019

Belated Update

Okay, I am near constantly focused on keeping certain areas in place, making every other task in existence difficult.  So, that’s why the last big development was not updated before now, as the next one begins.  In case I am actually doing something good, I don’t want the last change forgotten.

The success in the right shoulder continues to snowball, as do subsequent changes to hips, chest, neck, jaw, face, and eyes.  It’s a bit overwhelming at times.

I apologize for not putting a link, but just typing is taking all effort and I do not want to stop.

Early on, I described a subjective feel of what I have been doing as being like a game where you move a metal ball UP two metal rods trying to reach the furthest point possible when it drops.  Looking back, my attention was focused on the distance moved, just like that game.

Last week, there was a change, something happening more and more often, though intermittent.  It feels like a different “game,” or toy, the one where you hold, again, two metal rods (actually one, bent at the handle, but two should be noted) and a wheel spins in between them, the wheel’s metal hub touching both rods, it travels down the rods, to a point where they hook back toward the holder, then to an end point, where the wheel reverses field and travels back.  Hopefully, I can link to it later.  Most know the toy I am writing about.

So, the primary different is the reaching of a possible endpoint and returning, almost-controlled.

I think this is a big deal, lol.  At least, I hope so.

* * * * * * * * *

That noted, the new one, just happening, is still too new to describe, but I am really getting muscle maneuvered up into the right shoulder like never before, up the back of the shoulder, then releasing muscle towards the pectorals, maybe, lol.

Subsequent changes in the hip are beginning too.

Okay, it’s early, and I am writing before prepping to swim.  When I can better articulate the new stuff, or whatever happens next, I shall.

I am excited, but I have been excited before.

Monday, April 1, 2019

I Hate Wait - A Realization Why

Much happening, but existence remains difficult, and I doubt I will write much, but this may have been a big realization.

First, I’ve known (and written) for years now that I have never really been able to relax.  The knot or whatever the fuck it is caused by my childhood injury is near always clenched or causing muscles adjacent to it to clench.  This is why I love high heat days and hate cold.  

Okay, well, I have realized that while I consciously know what relax, slow down, patience all mean, what my body actually does is clench other muscles to fight the clenched ones.  I counter the forces rather than change.  For me, slowing down and/or waiting is literally using more energy and creating more tension in my body.  It is the opposite of relaxing.

I guess “slowing down” is the easiest example.  Sure, when I want to slow down while swimming, my movement speed slows down, but it’s because I am holding myself back, doing even more work, so to speak.

As of now, I don’t see any paths to help correct this beyond my continued efforts to undo the “knot” from my childhood.  I hope the realization can worm it’s way into meditation techniques while swimming to try to actually calm down, slow down.  

Perhaps the realization is tied to the “adjustments” that have happened this winter, perhaps alleviating some of the “knot.”  That change in the knot could have been the source of the new thought, spawned by the new (to me) perception of a muscle group actually having a moment of relaxation.

I am really ready for warmer weather.

This said, the other news is that I have gotten under 200 pounds.  Yay me.  I am still at a point where I straddle the number daily, but I am excited at the prospect of starting the next stint of warm weather at or under 200, with the opportunity to get down under 190 or even 180.  

I am hopeful things may snowball a bit when the weather warms.  :)

Saturday, March 2, 2019


I am sore as hell at present, but this morning, 2:40 minutes into my swim, I freed my right shoulder, a section of it, anyways.  A huge chunk of pain, a slab of frozen shoulder, blocking full range of motion for freestyle arms is gone.

I’d love to write more, but I am spent.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Swimming in Bong Water

Much has happened.  Many adjustments, and I sometimes find myself shocked just how much parts shift.

But this is just a trivial post . . . 

I managed to get a bad ear infection coinciding with the Camp Fire.  I missed one swim day from the ear, though the air was so bad I may not have gone anyways, and then the pool closed from bad air quality in the Valley for a week.

This morning, the air was still pretty horrible, but rain was coming, and began falling an hour before I left to swim.  An hour into the swim, it was pretty clear the rain was cleaning the air, but also covering the pool with little drops of bong water, basically.  You could smell it.  Ugh.

I’ve lasted into much colder weather than years past.  No idea how much longer I will last, but I’m going push on as long as I can.

Monday, September 24, 2018

The Monkey King and Standing, Two Ways

Much and more has happened, too much to express, but what a ride...

The Monkey King

So, in the middle of one of those monster weekend swims just two days ago, I mentally pictured a monkey swimming.  If you have never seen it, do so.  It’s pretty damn cute.

At first, my focus was on the legs, and the manner they push/kick, but then I thought about the tail.  I began a meditation focus of giving myself a tail, the balance and usage in the water.  It caused changes, quickly.

It relaxed, maybe dragged, my lower back, as if letting the tail take some water drag.  This altered my hip angle, lessening drag and raising my hips / lower torso in the water, dramatically lessening overall drag.  In turn, muscles were able to adjust further up my back.  It even reached my armpits, finding a new kink point, one too hard to explain, but wow, oh wow.  It feels like a reversal point for the arms to connect to the torso properly (we’ll see).

Standing, Two ways

As the monkey tail practice continued, I soon found the ability to alter my breaststroke kick in a significant way, though this has been hard to repeat without much time and effort.  Imagine that when the legs come up, the monkey’s tail likewise does, only behind you, almost arching the lower back.  Then, when kicking, both converge in something similar to say a three armed octopus (tripus? 🙂).  Both sides converging was a totally new sensation, as if discovering Yin and Yang.

Now, even out of the water, I can sometimes find this convergence just standing.  It’s worth noting, just like the monkey swimming, it also sends focus/force up the torso!  

As far as changes go, it’s like I am in a crescendo.  Obviously, I have felt like I am nearing a breakthrough so many times before.  I am not letting myself get too excited, but damn if I am not a bit excited.

I can’t wait to get back in the pool.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Monster Weekends

Last weekend and today, I did 3.25-3.5 hour swims, trying to make up for the 3 weekday swims that are limited to 2 hours.  There is something about not paying attention at all to time that helps me find adjustments during the swim.  Today, I had great success.  I have never been more certain that I am doing something right with all this.  That said, I am also quite confident it’s going to get cold on me and stop/retard my progress too soon, before I get some stuff “reversed.”

Exhausted.  Time to waste away in front of college football.

Go Bears!