Thursday, July 14, 2016

Finally, An Exhale?

Okay, back from a long, 2 mile swim (one mile kick, one mile various strokes), and I have finally, after so fucking long, had a substantial breakthrough!  *maniacal laugh*

I managed to pull my left shoulder around, something, and it let both shoulders shift down and back a significant amount, relaxed.  It, too, allowed a greater exhale from my lungs.  Rather, the resting position of my exhale was allowed to be a greater exhaled position.  This means, all these years, my "relaxed" position has been one of a held breathe.  How fucked is that, right?

I want to write more, detailing all, but I'm kinda spent.  I will note I did about 800 kicking on my back, with much of it using the backs of my hands on the kick board, so think inverted kicking overall.  It aided the left shoulder a great deal by providing some resistance deep within the shoulder.

It's been so long since I have had a good adjustment.  While I have little doubt muscle memory will yank things back to the familiar position, if not later today, probably in my sleep, I know that what I have done once, I can do again, and I can train new muscle memories.

I will win or die trying.

Funny note - I did freak out one of the new lifeguards that didn't know about the chronic dislocations.  It was kinda cute.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Breathe Right?

Okay, major changes happening around both shoulder, the neck, and head, such that my upper back now seizes when I screw up and let muscle memory revert and tweak all sorts of muscles.  I am both sore and in pain.

This said, a new noticeable change has occurred.  I don't know if it is permanent, or will become so, but whatever...

When I achieve certain posture (one the current movements seem to lead towards), I perceive the air entering my nose now differently.  I have always only ever known (one exception for another time) the feeling of the air passing by my nostrils, as if moving upward, parallel to my face.  Now, I feel it enter inward, I the nose above the nostrils, perpendicular to my face.  There is substantially more air flow, as well.

Perhaps some day  I will no longer be a mouth breather . . .

I could add more, but I just hurt too much.  The basic record has been made.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

A Bad Night

Things are not good.

I have had some significant adjustments, changes around the neck-shoulder-jaw, which have corresponded to the opposite hip.  Weird shit.  Some shifts have been big, a lot of meat changing where it sits.

As a result, something is amiss near my right ear.  The right side of my face is swollen, as well as a gland just under the ear.  Pain, pain, and pain.  I can't go horizontal without sharp sustained throbbing.  So, I can't sleep.

Hence, the iPad and this entry.

I've taken a lot of pain meds, and ibuprofen for swelling, to seemingly no avail.  Icing my head does little.

I do not think it is an ear infection, though it hurts like one, at least not a classic one.  I think it was an aggravation by trauma to joints tangled near the jaw and ear from my original injury.

I am sure dying ain't exactly fun no matter how it comes, but I don't want to go like this.

Anyways, here I sit, tormented, face numb from Narco but the ear/head still throbbing, unable to rest, unable to sleep.

I am honing in on some old feelings, but I cannot describe them well, like segmented cords shifting within me.

Enough, I suppose.

Monday, April 18, 2016

First swim, enter curse words of choice

i tried to bike to the pool.

I got there and back, with multiple thigh subluxations along the way.

The "swim" was no better.  One limb was constantly pulling out of the socket.  500 meters of various paddling and kicking, wanting to scream the entire time.

Oh, and I start the season at 244 pounds.  Ouch.

I have serious doubts any further "rehab" is going to be possible.  I will give it my all, everything I can muster, to learn if I can.  I know this means agony, but the alternative is letting myself go completely and not lasting much longer.

This is going to suck.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Well, not dead yet . . .

I'm not dead yet.

This winter has been torture, however.  I feel worse, look worse, and basically have gotten worse.  Walking has become not just painful, but difficult.  Just being has become, tough.

Of course, changes continue.

Part of me wants to believe this feeling I am experiencing is analogous to squeezing something through a small opening, that it hurts so much because it is close to done, but that I am near finishing the task.  Unfortunately, I now doubt this very much.

I have known the "almost there" belief for too many years, and this boy is done crying wolf.

Even if there is an "opening" to metaphorically squeeze through, it is likely too far or two small for me to achieve.  I'm not going to win.  If anything, one of these days I will slide something into a position that chokes me, my collar bone and throat being the mess they are.

That said, I couldn't stop "adjusting" if I wanted to.  The process continues.

I am miserable.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Still Kicking . . .

It has been a while since I posted anything.  I got pretty low.

Only mostly dead, however, which is still partly alive.  I am still kicking, and wiggling, and twisting, and contorting.

*     *     *     *     *

In the last several months, I finally got a new puppy, Nymeria.  It was very tough on me potty training her.  Right when progress was made, she was spayed, and spent two weeks with the Cone of Shame on (also had dew claws removed), which has been a horror.

*     *     *     *     *

I am worn out beyond measure, yet the progress continues.  I am closer to finding my center than ever.

Of course, I am also in grade A, first class, pain.

*     *     *     *     *

One bother has been the realization that I can't possibly go to the movies and see Star Wars.

I am not the hugest of Star Wars geeks, but I did grow up with the films, I did have all the toys, and I am a movie nut.  Granted, I have not been to a theater since taking my kid to Toy Story 3, but still.  This is Star Wars.  I am an Abrams fan, loving what he did with Star Trek, and I WANT to see this new movie very much.

It's just, too much pain.  No way I can handle the (drive + lines + hours in a movie seat) without being in fantastical pain for weeks afterwards.

I must wait for on-demand, sadly.

*     *     *     *     *

Among the positives is I may be working out how to explain the "center" to people in a way that may actually click with some.  It is still rough, but hopefully it will be my next post, complete with some math (well, using vectors in an example, anyways).

Monday, August 17, 2015

Summer Post Mortem

Fuck.

*     *     *     *     *

I weighed myself today to discover I had gained 5 pounds over this Summer.  That's more than a first.  Previous Summers had been getting worse because I had been losing less weight, last year only 12 pounds.  That is a 17 pound swing compared to my worst summer in a decade (probably ever).

*     *     *     *     *

The combination of no Adderall, more pain, and worsening of the joints has completely kicked my ass.

I am limping to the finish line.

*     *     *     *     *

While there was some progress, it can't make up for the steps backwards.  It just can't.

I am failing.

My despair is such that I even managed to take a wrong turn while trying to bike home from the pool today.

The body is gone.  The brain is shot, and I don't even got liquor's satisfaction anymore.  :(

*     *     *     *     *

I find myself adding things up, more and more.  I want to die.  I am tired of this.

Will I?  probably not, by my own hand, at least.  Stubborn, stupid, and afraid, I'll limp (or be wheeled, more likely) to the finish line.