Wednesday, June 24, 2015

A New Mess

Not enough focus to do a decent entry, here is the latest.

My left arm has been ridiculously unstable and in near constant pain.

A major shift is happening in my upper core.  I arch backwards, but lean my interior forwards (if that makes any sense), and it has allowed muscle to creep up my back, chest, and throat.  I think it is a good thing.

Yet, it has contributed to significant instability and pain as well, which has in turn caused mental instability.

I am a mess.

I will try to document it if I have the chance, but I am rarely focused for more than a few minutes at a time.

I could be getting close, or I could be killing myself.

I wouldn't mind finding out which sooner rather than later.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

My Music

It's been hard, a few good days and a ton of bad ones.

I had a two day stretch where I was unable to swallow solids.  On a different day, I couldn't even swallow liquids for an hour or so.  That really scared me.

Plus, the weather cooled again, as it does this time of year, just cool enough to send me back to hibernation mode.

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Although, this time, I have not been playing video games.  This time, I have been diving into my Symphony Pro App in a bigger way than ever before.

It is nice to be able to make music without needing to sit at the piano, where extended playing causes it's own problems that tend to offset the mental benefits.

Anyways, if anyone the comes on here is interested, while I have not published all I write, Here is a set of the music I have been composing on my iPad.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

As Good As It Gets

I turned 44 today.  Yikes.

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I had the best birthday I can remember.

I know I've had better, but they would have been long, long ago, way before the changes started.

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So, today, I -

Woke up to learn George R. R. Martin released a new sample chapter from The Winds of Winter.  This was great.  So much new information to digest and theories to make or adjust.  I spent 1/4 of the day reading it, then going to older books, then re-reading.  Good stuff.

Wrote a song, Nymspeak, based on a friend that also loves the ASoIaF books.  That was 1/2 the day.

Got an UltiMeat Pizza from Round Table, and was able to swallow!

Got Phishfood.

Made great progress on the adjustment front.

Watched the Warriors pull a victory out of their arses against the Suns.

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It may hurt tomorrow, but I have not had a day this good, period, in ages.  There have been priceless moments with the kid, and those will be what my minds eye sees when I lay dying, but for a single day with so much going right and only a reasonable amount of pain, I probably have not had a day this good since I lived in Santa Cruz (the beach can do that).

Wow.  To get such a day on my birthday just plain rocks.

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Positivity here?  Who knew?

Thursday, March 26, 2015

First Swim, Again

This was the most painful first day swimming I have ever experienced.

My left arm was plain wrong.

Whatever new position it sits in, it needs to move in the water in ways I am not familiar with.  I mean, I pulled, I sent the signal to the arm to pull, and the muscles fired as they always have, but the muscles being in new positions made the arm move differently.  I had no power, and there was very sharp pain.

I managed 650m total, pretty poor.

The ride home was torture.  The physical equalization a going on lead to a very odd sensation/happening in my left side.  Perhaps it buckled.  I don't know for sure, but I think parts above my hip went up aroung my stomach, then under my ribs.

It was not an enjoyable experience, but at least I did not lose control of the bike during it.

Last, but sadly, most, I have gained much weight this winter.  I'm up to 226.  Ouch.

I've been heavier.  It is just disappointing after managing to not gain much weight before the new year.  Things just got very difficult, and I ate lots of sweets to avoid complete misery.

It is finally warming up, however, and the fight begins again.  I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Friday, March 13, 2015

New High, New Low

Fuck.

The changes and adjustments continued yesterday, after that > felt it straightened and things started shifting.

This morning, it dawned on me to measure myself.  I didn't feel taller, but I was curious.

Sure enough.  I was just slightly taller than ever, and a good 1/4 inch taller than I had been in the few times I have measured myself over the past few years, just over 5'11".

Enter panic.

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As one can see, I used to document changes when they happened.  I was reasonably diligent.  If I could physically get to the keyboard or the physical journal, I was documenting changes as best I could.

I knew they were subjective, for the most part, when not describing visible outwardly changes, but I still felt that perhaps some day in the future the sensations would make sense to others objectively, at least as possibilities.

I was motivate.

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Over time, I lost my motivation.

I don't care about proving myself right, or even just finding which aspects of my theories are right.  I want to stop hurting.

I am tired.

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So, with a new increase in height, albeit slight, my first thought was a bad one.  Not again.

I can't go through the agony that followed previous height increases again.  I won't.

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A hope remains, I suppose.  The increased pain (presumably from tensions and tweaks) which have plagued me the past few months, which I presumed to be due to Winter cold and a lack of swimming, could have been a precursor to the change in height, more than those previous times had post adjustment pains which were subjectively so much greater than the status quo.

I can only hope.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

A New Unfold

Simply for the record, as I have not been updating often.

Imagine an arrow key symbol, a sideways V, like this, >.

Now place it at the back base of your neck and rotate it such that the point faces forward, towards your Adam's Apple.

I suspect it was made of muscle, whatever it was, but this morning, it straightened out from a V into a line.  This is how it felt, anyways.

And the back of my neck elongated slightly.

Now, pieces are shifting around, parts at the base of the neck, up to the jaw hinges, and large sections of the right shoulder seem to have slid from behind and underneath the arm around and up towards the spot at the base of the back of my neck.

My bite has changed (though it has been very unstable for ages).

When it happened, a migraine head ache that was torturing me as I tried to fall back to sleep went away in an instant.  Well, not entirely, some discomfort seems to have shifted from the sinuses to the side of the temple, but the pain level dropped substantially.

Where things go from here, I have no idea.  I am hopeful, but tired.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

A Specific OMG Update

Too much has happened since I last wrote.  I can only hope I have enough random journal entries and discussion board comments I can go back and cut/paste at some point to piece together some chronology at a later date.

Suffice it to say, I've made progress, a lot of progress.

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One must be noted, though I won't get in detail.  Christmas Eve, technically 1am or so Christmas morning, I freed something through my right shoulder, which in turn freed my right hip (where usually things go across to opposite side), and I experienced such a change in my abdomen that I became unable to carry the weight of my own stomach/lower gut.

No strength at all, presumably muscles not in position to hold with the flexing they had been accustomed, some muscle memory movements cause extreme abdominal pain.  I became very ill, experiencing sweats and chills and pain throughout the next 40+ ours.

I missed Christmas.

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But I do believe it was progress.  It changed my shoulders.  It greatly changed my right side, allowing wholly new access to muscle and posture and adjustments.

In fact, where I have long used "Unwinding" to characterize my adjustments, I can now, at least subjectively, say it is "Unfolding" that I am doing (and not just because it fits better with While My Guitar Gently Weeps).  The "Unwinding" involved the contortions around kinks.  The kinks themselves, I believe, I am unfolding.

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Anyways, while trying to access muscle previously unknown to me, and thinking of how to describe the experience and practice, I stumbled upon one (a "new to me" movement, not the words to explain the process):

I'll say, I widened my hips.  More specifically, I seemingly spread the muscles around the right side of my hip further right, further from center, which allowed my right leg to lift outward to the side in a manner it never had.

Then, the OMG part.  As the leg lifted, the muscles on the right side of my abdomen moved right (away from center - sorry, the word for this eludes me at present) and up.  Then, the muscles of my right side moved up and around my chest.  An aside, one new aspect has been the muscles previously behind the right shoulder are have been freeing the right side of my back to expand, which also goes into my neck and brings substantial changes in my neck/jaw/head posture.  The cascade brought about by the leg lift extended all the way up into the back of my neck along this same path in a way I can only describe accurately with the words I uttered in the moment: "HOLY SHIT!"

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Shortly thereafter, I realized the leg could now do a motion I believe a physical therapist had tried to get me to do before.  In truth, it is an exercise I was able to do, unlike so many which would result in sharp shooting pains in locations that did not make sense to the therapist (product of the knots/kinks, I believe).  The difference this time is that the movement used muscles as they were meant, and presumed, to be used.

I may have taken a huge stride.

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Of course, feeling guilty that I have not done any updates in so long, I came here instead of trying to do more and repeat the movement.

That said, I know, and have repeatedly demonstrated to myself, that any progress I make, I can build upon.  I can repeat the movement, even if it takes weeks to find, or I can find the endpoint and build upon it.  So, I decided that at least this bit of documentation was more important.

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So now, back to unfolding, and football, and video games, and reading.  And pain - this cold is tormenting me.

I laugh as I write this, because I do not even know where this new motion is leading, I abandoned it so quickly (very unusual for me) to come notarize it.  Per Vonnegut, so it goes.

I can't wait for Summer, or at least a warm Spring, to get here.