Monday, August 17, 2015

Summer Post Mortem


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I weighed myself today to discover I had gained 5 pounds over this Summer.  That's more than a first.  Previous Summers had been getting worse because I had been losing less weight, last year only 12 pounds.  That is a 17 pound swing compared to my worst summer in a decade (probably ever).

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The combination of no Adderall, more pain, and worsening of the joints has completely kicked my ass.

I am limping to the finish line.

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While there was some progress, it can't make up for the steps backwards.  It just can't.

I am failing.

My despair is such that I even managed to take a wrong turn while trying to bike home from the pool today.

The body is gone.  The brain is shot, and I don't even got liquor's satisfaction anymore.  :(

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I find myself adding things up, more and more.  I want to die.  I am tired of this.

Will I?  probably not, by my own hand, at least.  Stubborn, stupid, and afraid, I'll limp (or be wheeled, more likely) to the finish line.