Twisted

 I’m not well.  Unfolding had contorted me into uncomfortable twists.  I cannot maintain positions easing strain and/or pressure.  My abdomen and hips are proving difficult.  My shoulders and sides are a wreck.  Whatever I am trying to accomplish, I fear, is far more fucked up that I ever dreamed in my worst nightmare.

I am choking sometimes, my throat folding from muscle memory and twists.  My stomach, beneath, wants to vomit whenever the choking is unfolded, as if I am going to “pop” a la Neo.   Shoulders are out of position to a degree that my sides are wrong, one very buckled while the other … indescribable, maybe cramped, too much smushed together, but some sections are so loose.

Hands are a mess.  Left index finger is very bad.  Pain.  Knuckles swell.  Slightest wrong movement or bump dislocates.  Right thumb is somehow related to forearm and wrist.

All sometimes makes sense, but separately, never all together.  Focus on any one and things cramp, cascading pain and exponentially complicated issues.

I get incredible pressure in my head.  My neck has issues, kinks and cricks.  

I worry the new toy, electric pulses, does too much strengthening for locations.  I think the right spots could produces incredible progress coupled with my swimming.  The wrong spots, with me unable to know how to position myself … makes me anxious about torturous pain like the head pain of this afternoon.

The scariest is something in my head/face, cheeks/eyes, jaw.  There are shifts.  There is pressure sometimes.  Such pressure.  Vision goes fuzzy, slight tremors, maybe.  I go go cross eyed and produce “double vision” (camera one and two not aligned), and I am fairly certain muscle memory forces vision correctness at the cost of strain and incorrect alignment.  Always such pain.

I worry this is too ingrained or muscle memories and kinks in the neck and head to be corrected, and I will continue to experience rather horrific head pain and discomfort for extended periods.  There is no alternative but to continue, but I fear I developed from childhood in ways which will not correct themselves by unfolding.

Into Unknowns

It is like the moment when your stomach lurches and reverses field, when the muscles create a wave of motion in reverse and you vomit.

That is the change I seek in muscles, too many to identify.  In this sense, I am physically nauseous, all the time, often in pain.

I don’t know what is happening, if I am near a success, or if I am near a bad end.

I am so tired.  It has been so long, this unfolding.

I face this alone, and my only hope is that the habits I spent years to establish, how I seek folds and reverse them, will be enough.  

I have nothing left.  I have no will anymore.  I have nothing.

Near The End

 I believe I am close to killing myself.

My constantly changing pain makes me horribly unstable, mentally and physically.

At a low point during the Covid shut down, I met two wonderful people that helped me.  I love them both deeply.  I may have even helped them do some wonderful things.

But my instability drove one away from me, and I cannot handle it.  I cannot remain close friends with the other, when they were both so important to me.  So, one washed her hands of me, and I had to walk away from the other, or invariably become so frustrated and angry as to do things to harm them.  I would. 

I want to now, even.  I want to kill myself on their doorstep, make her see my heart literally broken.  Lucky them, eh?  I can’t last 15 minutes in a car, and they live days away.

I am just in too much pain, and now friendless.  I ruined a most beautiful friendship.  I, a tortured, twisted, constantly shifting puzzle of pain and tension and misery.  I was too much for them, which I did tell them was likely, from the start.

I simply have no idea how I will get through the days anymore.  I would wait for the next chance to speak to them, to banter through messages.  It got me through a year.  Then, this last year was much harder.  I don’t have much left.

If I owned a gun, I would have blown the back of my head out tonight, the moment the friendship ended.  I would have left my wife better off without an unstable needy useless lump of flesh costing money.  

My daughter, she will be hurt by my suicide.  She is doomed to suffer similarly, though I pray differently enough to have a better life than I have had.  I will try to keep going for her, but we seldom speak, and she does know the differences between our cases, and that I am miserable.  I will show her I will endure all I can until I cannot.

I am very close to being done.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I am sorry I was not able to express what I figured out.  I really do understand the paradigm of gravity’s effect on the body, muscle memory, and the subjective nature of perception.  I understand why “life is suffering.”

The best advice you will ever get is to work your core.  There is so much more you can do, but for most, that alone will improve many health issues.

Waves … it is all about waves … and the path or a wave is a helix.

Goodbye