Twisted

 I’m not well.  Unfolding had contorted me into uncomfortable twists.  I cannot maintain positions easing strain and/or pressure.  My abdomen and hips are proving difficult.  My shoulders and sides are a wreck.  Whatever I am trying to accomplish, I fear, is far more fucked up that I ever dreamed in my worst nightmare.

I am choking sometimes, my throat folding from muscle memory and twists.  My stomach, beneath, wants to vomit whenever the choking is unfolded, as if I am going to “pop” a la Neo.   Shoulders are out of position to a degree that my sides are wrong, one very buckled while the other … indescribable, maybe cramped, too much smushed together, but some sections are so loose.

Hands are a mess.  Left index finger is very bad.  Pain.  Knuckles swell.  Slightest wrong movement or bump dislocates.  Right thumb is somehow related to forearm and wrist.

All sometimes makes sense, but separately, never all together.  Focus on any one and things cramp, cascading pain and exponentially complicated issues.

I get incredible pressure in my head.  My neck has issues, kinks and cricks.  

I worry the new toy, electric pulses, does too much strengthening for locations.  I think the right spots could produces incredible progress coupled with my swimming.  The wrong spots, with me unable to know how to position myself … makes me anxious about torturous pain like the head pain of this afternoon.

The scariest is something in my head/face, cheeks/eyes, jaw.  There are shifts.  There is pressure sometimes.  Such pressure.  Vision goes fuzzy, slight tremors, maybe.  I go go cross eyed and produce “double vision” (camera one and two not aligned), and I am fairly certain muscle memory forces vision correctness at the cost of strain and incorrect alignment.  Always such pain.

I worry this is too ingrained or muscle memories and kinks in the neck and head to be corrected, and I will continue to experience rather horrific head pain and discomfort for extended periods.  There is no alternative but to continue, but I fear I developed from childhood in ways which will not correct themselves by unfolding.