Near The End

 I believe I am close to killing myself.

My constantly changing pain makes me horribly unstable, mentally and physically.

At a low point during the Covid shut down, I met two wonderful people that helped me.  I love them both deeply.  I may have even helped them do some wonderful things.

But my instability drove one away from me, and I cannot handle it.  I cannot remain close friends with the other, when they were both so important to me.  So, one washed her hands of me, and I had to walk away from the other, or invariably become so frustrated and angry as to do things to harm them.  I would. 

I want to now, even.  I want to kill myself on their doorstep, make her see my heart literally broken.  Lucky them, eh?  I can’t last 15 minutes in a car, and they live days away.

I am just in too much pain, and now friendless.  I ruined a most beautiful friendship.  I, a tortured, twisted, constantly shifting puzzle of pain and tension and misery.  I was too much for them, which I did tell them was likely, from the start.

I simply have no idea how I will get through the days anymore.  I would wait for the next chance to speak to them, to banter through messages.  It got me through a year.  Then, this last year was much harder.  I don’t have much left.

If I owned a gun, I would have blown the back of my head out tonight, the moment the friendship ended.  I would have left my wife better off without an unstable needy useless lump of flesh costing money.  

My daughter, she will be hurt by my suicide.  She is doomed to suffer similarly, though I pray differently enough to have a better life than I have had.  I will try to keep going for her, but we seldom speak, and she does know the differences between our cases, and that I am miserable.  I will show her I will endure all I can until I cannot.

I am very close to being done.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I am sorry I was not able to express what I figured out.  I really do understand the paradigm of gravity’s effect on the body, muscle memory, and the subjective nature of perception.  I understand why “life is suffering.”

The best advice you will ever get is to work your core.  There is so much more you can do, but for most, that alone will improve many health issues.

Waves … it is all about waves … and the path or a wave is a helix.

Goodbye