I am so miserable. Every day is so fucking long and pain ridden, and I am relentlessly lonely. My body barely functions and my mind is going. I am “kept” downstairs, my wife and daughter living upstairs, which is very painful for me to climb. I am pathetic. Neither wants to spend any time with me.
I want to kill myself so badly, but oh, … maybe my daughter will want to watch something on tv with me in the next few days (which never fucking happens) … or I can hold on for the next Warrior game, that could be good … or the Niners in the Super Bowl … of course, I have no friends to watch with, no one to enjoy anything with, no one to even spend any time with.
Tonight would be so good for it. There is a big storm coming in. I could abuse what pain meds I have remaining and go out in our hot tub and slit my wrists, maybe blast When The Levee Breaks in some earbuds with a storm raging around me, feel something as I fade. Maybe I could time In My Time Of Dying and go out to that. Yeah, I think I’d rather go out to Zeppelin than any of the crap I composed.
Lord knows I experience no love or friendship or anything worth living for. Seriously, why should I endure so much agony when there is nothing but disappointment and loneliness and mind numbing pain left for me.
Why can I not give up?!?! I hate this existence so fucking much. It will not improve, not one bit. I know this. I am fucked. Best case scenario is that I am miserable as all hell for 6 months, maybe make it into next winter in even more pain than I am crippled by now. i wish I could be brave enough to do it. I am tired of crying every time I think on it. I never had a chance to really live. This life have been such bullshit.
Please let me be brave enough to do this.
