So Lost

It has been less than 24 hours since I lost my only remaining friend that I communicated with any regularity.

The strangest thing is to have no reason to check my iPad anymore.  There is no reason to look at my Xbox App to see if he is awake and on line or if he has left me a message.  There is no reason to check for emails.

Before making actual friends through the Xbox, the only people I interacted with on line were people on a book review website, where a new comment would exist every few hours or days, or when I would post regularly on an old SF Giants site that does not even exist anymore (neither do the Giants, to me, anyways, since using the DH).

I feel so empty, so worthless, so lost.

I was no longer living, really, when I met them.  The 20 years since moving to Sacramento and becoming a friendless invalid had turned me into such a shell of a human being.  Making friends was the most wonderful thing.  I was suddenly more than a bag of pain that burdened my family.  I had a reason to wake up other than to try to stop the pain of dislocations.

I had people I loved to see how they were.  People to try to make laugh.  People to share existence with.

It’s gone now.

I am in more pain than ever physically.  I am alone, laying in an out of the way bedroom, waiting to die.

I stare at the knife by my bedside, but I lack the nerve.  I hold the plastic bag and think that will leave less of a mess.  Maybe I’ll even lay down a layer of plastic to help contain the mess of my bowels.  There is no reason to make things worse on those that will clean up my body.  I’ve been such a burden for so long as it is.

I am in far too much pain to be able to try to make new friends.  I can not think very well.  I definitely do not want to have to try and explain the shitshow that is my life to anyone new.

I do not know that I can bear going on without friends.  I have no value at all to anyone.  I have no reason to endure the agony every moment brings me trapped in this body.

I cannot go back to the person I was.  I hurt so much more.  I had some real world acquaintances, but moved to a new area a year ago, losing the people I had known in the pool I frequented.  I know no one here.

I am alone and I cannot justify continuing this anymore.

Goodbye.