All Consuming Loneliness

Loneliness is such a catalyst for my pain. It’s sending me in cycles of such despair.

I miss my friends physically. Knowing them, carrying them with me as I experienced life, was so special.  It gave me comfort.

I am devoid of comforts, now.  It’s like being cast into a void.  There is nothing in every direction.  Just me and pain.

I keep swimming.  I keep playing music when I can.  I play a little bit of videogames when my wrists allow.  The tv is on, but I can’t pay attention for long.  I don’t care about it.

I cared about my friendships.  I knew I was lucky to have them.

I feel like I failed to help them cope with me.  I should have given them a safe word or something.  “You say this, and it means I am overwhelming you and need to step back for a while.”  If they could have been comfortable with pushing me away, but letting me know how long they thought they needed, I could have done it so easily, I think.  I mean, as long as it wasn’t weeks or months.

Am I impossible to befriend?  

I’m in such pain, and every source notes how much friendships help lower chronic pain.  Maybe we need training, to be careful not to become addicted.  They were so much more wonderful than any pain killer.  I liked myself when they interacted with me.  My reality was so much better with them in it.

How can I possibly get to a lesser pain level now?  They are gone and all is worse.  I’m incapable of meeting anyone new, and if I did, I’m so shitty who would really want to get to know me and spend time with me?  I’m so fucked.