I had lost most of the friends I spent time with that I had met in Xbox games. I let a few know I was not handling things well, and would disconnect my Xbox. I let them know other ways to check in with me should any want to in the future.
I’m losing it. It’s hard enough to exist with all my pains, losing all friends … I’m bottoming out.
——-
I was having a dream where I was sitting on the floor crying about the stuff I’ve been breaking down about for weeks. I felt someone tough my shoulder. I turned and a woman was sitting in a chair beside me, smiling, and she was gently touching my shoulder, slightly gliding a little down my arm. I was focused on her smile, and I felt connected to someone for the first time in a very long time. I felt like tension was releasing.
Then, I was awoken by the sound of a text. Only one person would be texting, and my heart leapt, thinking maybe I was to be forgiven for words said while lashing out in despair and pain and frustration, words I did not mean but were my fears.
It was him, but informing me to stop trying to send any information his way through anyone (no one responding to me for days, I had no idea if anything had even been looked at by anyone). I did appreciate it, in that I would have stopped earlier had anyone responded to me. Yet, the way it conflicted with that moment I had been awoken from …
I don’t know. I am isolated and in pain for most of the day. Time goes very slow. Nights are worse. Sleep is so rare. I do not think this will end well for me, but I am trying.
I have not given up, yet. Some day, no more posts will likely mean I have.
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