Fighting Failure

I’m still feeling pretty horrible, wondering how long it’s going to last and if I’ll suffer “withdrawal” from just one dose.  I feel like the drug just messes with you so much, it’s not withdrawal, so much as it’s dealing with major changes to bio-chemistry.

I was so hopeful yesterday.  I told all the boards I’ve been frequenting and reached out to former friends, hoping they would enjoy the positive development.

Now, I’m fighting to not fall back into despair.  Alone again for the rest of the day, it’s so fucking hard to remain positive.  I’m far too out of it to try Elden Ring, vision blurry, sweating and dizzy.  I wish I were not alone.  I feel so insignificant. I wish anyone out there wanted my company.

The people I love intentionally do not want me around.  No one enjoys my company. I hate this so much.

———

I think I understand a little more, an aspect of what went wrong with my friends.

Only people that live in chronic pain or have been traumatized by it understand it.  It’s the relentlessness more than the degree of pain.  It’s never getting a break.  I need distractions.  My friends wanted to help, not realizing just their attention on any topic was the help I needed.  Instead their efforts to help would upset me, when I would be better just with some company.  My frustration would antagonize them, as they are trying to help and I do not recognize it, so focused on just wanting some attention, pushing them away, and making the pattern cycle.

I wish I could go back and be clearer.  I wish I could stop myself from antagonizing them.

I’ll have to find a different anti-depressant when I recover from this crap.  Maybe it will stop me from missing those I love so much.

———-

Almost 3pm, I’ll try an Ativan now, far enough removed from my last Vicodin, and leaving room for another Vicodin if in more physical pain tonight.  I am suddenly in such an overwhelmed state, crying.  It’ll be nice to see if Ativan helps.