Can’t Escape Torment

My head is in too much pain today and nothing is working.

It’s times like this, alone in the house, laying in bed, can’t put my glasses on because my head hurts so much, I want to reach out to a friend, but there are none.  I can’t do this.

I can never make amends.  I will never be worth their time or effort.

I am a worthless mass of pain. I should never have tried to be a friend.  I am so heartbroken.  I cannot imagine how much I must have hurt them.  I, WE, reached out to people we hated when they were far less miserable than I am now.  The amount of loathing they must have for me, I do not understand.

——

To my friends, should you read this …

I am not strong enough to do this alone.  I am sorry.  I wish you both could see me.  I daydream of getting on a plane, of enduring the pain it would entail, just to be able to apologize in person.  I want you to see my eyes, my facial expressions, hear my voice inflections.  I want you to know how much I love you both and regret putting such pressure on you.  I want you both to KNOW how highly I think of you.

I am in a Catch-22.  I am not going to get better without your support, and I cannot ask for your support until I am better.  It all got too out of hand.

I wonder if we had met without a Covid shut down.  I was doing so well in my rehabilitation before everything went to shit.

I have not had fun in over a year.  I tried warning you both how much this new house exacerbates my suffering.  I thought I was asking you for help, but I was putting pressure on you, yes?  I’m sorry I was not strong enough.

I am giving up.  I cannot endure pain like this hidden away from everyone.  I won’t.

If Cymbalta doesn’t help substantially, I am done.  This is torture.

I so would have liked to watch your journey as parents.  It pains me greatly, all I have missed already.  I hope you both know how beautiful you are.  You’ll have such a journey.  I wish I had been a better friend. I wish I did not drive you both away.  I am a broken fuckup.  

Perhaps I’ll finally be able to let go of you both in spirit finally, when I let go of my body.  :’)