Sigh.
I had a decent day yesterday, before the house turned into an oven around 5, anyways. My swim was not that good, but I was making some progress in getting the wrecked right arm (from the blood draw) more manageable, and in reorganizing the living room, I had disrupted some negativity. I only cried 5-6 times, and none more than a few minutes (sadly, that’s big progress). I was looking forward, and glad today is thought to be the last of this Hell On Earth week.
The pool was packed when I got there at 6am today. While changing, though, a lane opened up. That made me a little optimistic. Some luck, right?
Prepping to get in, sitting on the edge, I was surprised by just how hot the pool had gotten, and was even intrigued it could be quite useful today. Two women were sharing the lane next to me, and one was near and approaching just as I had put my feet in. I smiled, and in a friendly tone joked, “This pool has never BEEN so warm!”
She was looking at me when I spoke, in the eyes, but then looked away, no expression at all, totally ignoring me. She turned at the wall, as the woman she shared the lane with was trailing by maybe 15 feet. By how that woman, shared an eyeroll with the one that just ignored me, it seemed pretty obvious she intentionally ignored me.
The next 1:45 minutes was dominated by thoughts of my reputation in the pool, because of how I walk and dislocate all the time, and because of the wellness check when two policemen asked from the pool and interviewed me in the view of the entire club, breakdowns, subluxations, and all.
Even if it had nothing to do with the police visit, this did not used to happen when I was JUST a physical oddity. Am I doomed to be paranoid and never return to a relax state at the pool? Do I need to never even try to talk to anyone? [fuck, first cry of day starting] Am I really such an embarrassment no one will even exchange pleasantries? How the fuck am I ever going to make any new friends?
———
I am compelled to write the following, in case former friends do actually come and read, again. If any of you, W, C, or A, do come and look, it means you don’t hate me completely, I hope. I mean, I would think it means you remain concerned. I ask you to think about why you ghosted me, which I believe was also in part trying to help, yes? Believing I needed to seek new help and remaining engaged was doing more harm than good, yes? I’m not disregarding the negative and/or hateful/mean things I wrote. I just hope time can help forgive things said you must know came from a place of fear and despair.
I am asking you to consider whether any limited contact with express boundaries would be possible moving forward. I am getting some help, but I am also so stymied by such loneliness. [second cry starting, lol] I am trying. I am having some successes. Some hurdles just seem so high, and I could really use a friend. Just knowing someone still cares instead of hoping it is the case.
I should be starting Cymbalta in the next day or so, and it is supposed to start taking effect within a few days to a week or so. It would be VERY helpful, IMO, to have some positive reenforcement, some positive interactions, while the drug starts to take effect and alter mood. I do not want to establish isolation [3rd, sigh] with the drug lessening pain and negative moods (presuming it works). I really do not want to have shitshows like today’s pool interaction making me even more prone to isolation.
Please consider it.
———
There was some minor progress in the unwinding/unfolding department near the very end of the swim. Not up for writing about it, though, anymore. It was not significant enough to create any meditations or focuses for the future, anyways.
I do wonder if Cymbalta could end up aiding my swimming, as I did associate finally letting go of some anxiety/stress after 1.5 hours when the progress happened. I do worry about becoming numb to some pains that actually help me find where I need to move, but it may not be all negative. Just saying, while I am nervous as hell about the new med, I do have some hopes it could help and can imagine possible paths.
So it goes.
Alright, last long as fuck insane temperature day, hopefully. Should reach 110. House should suck again, at least until after midnight. It’ll be hilarious, I should think, when the projected 95 degree heat of Saturday feels cool.
I just hope they remember to turn the heat for the pool back on in a day or two. I can totally see the pool end up too cold by Tuesday. I need to remember to say something.
———
Back to Elden Ring … so difficult to figure out what I still have to do on my best character. Part of me is tempted to start anew, but I should really try finishing the game once first, lol. I’ll never have the patience to make a character as strong as my current one. I’m aiming at finishing as a goal. Wow, look at me and the rampant positivity! :’D
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