[Sigh. Banned from the one site I still enjoyed, at least mostly. Feeling down. Once I post this, I'll erase the site from my favorites to make sure I don't get tempted to try going back. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, so I won't change to remain. This post has little to do with my condition or the continued changes I am having, and there have been more developments in the shoulder and neck, but the same stories of improvement and pain apply, so it's not worth trying to describe the subtly differences I probably can't articulate. One of the ways I passed time is crossed off the list. Disappointing.]
I did not have many friends coming out of Law School. I made several work friends, and had some friends I attended Cal Basketball and Football games with, but when we moved to Sacramento, I became friendless. At most, I had acquaintances in a few of the people my wife worked with. I spent most of my time at the dog park, walking the dogs by the American River, or playing video games. It was during this time that I had focused on myself, changed my walk, and the crap storm of "unwinding" and pain began.
Several years into the pain, I started getting involved on comment message boards. My first was Extra Baggs, an SF Giants blog. I later branched out to other San Jose Mercury News blogs, then sfgate, and much later TOTH (The Tower of the Hand, a fan sit of the Song of Ice and Fire books). It was the only interaction I had outside of my wife and dogs, really. Over time, I found I liked TOTH and the Merc sites the most, places where I made "Internet friends" or sorts (and some enemies). As noted earlier, pain made me cut that down to one, then briefly none.
I started going back to Giants Extra, formerly Extra Baggs, and found myself banned this morning. I don't know why. Perhaps from an error I made the other day that left an entire blog entry in italics, but that was several entries before this banning. Last night, the board had devolved and the IT people got involved, so maybe that did it. I don't believe it was comment oriented banning, but who knows. I'd enjoy accusing the site of blocking me because I called out Larry Baer so often, but that would be stretching my joke of a mole I was playing a bit thin, and not worth the effort of establishing a new account.
A am apparently the equivalent of the trolls that get banned. That is more disappointing then losing pseudo-friends.
I'm genuinely upset. It had become something I could do, both in the morning before rehab exercises, then afterwards while recovering from them.
Perhaps it was meant to be, in that my wife and I finally found a puppy prospect of interest. While Maya is still with us, the old girl, it was Matilda that was my dog, whom I miss more than anything, and had really started posting more on the Internet upon her death out of loneliness. I'm a bit terrified to get a new dog, not being sure I can physically handle the training and care aspects, and that I can't take it out anywhere near what I did the two dogs before I became an invalid. I used to go hiking or to the dog park with them for hours, even when first ill, until Maya's dominant female crap became too much for me to handle.
Maybe the banning will get me to push all in on this new dog. There are two females I am interested in, Bull Mastiffs with a 1/8 sprinkling of Rhodesian Ridgeback mixed in. It's a lot of dog, but the mellow aspect appeals to me. It should be somewhat similar to Matilda, just 30 pound heavier. A new dog would be infinitely better than an Internet comment section, right? How I am going to puppy proof when I picking things up and moving them is about the hardest task I can be asked to do, however, I have no idea. What I want is my Matilda back. Can't always get what you want.
Trying to look at the bright side. It's warm out. My arm is almost better, though from the headaches of late, I'm pretty certain the concussion was the bigger injury, and one which I ignored. We may get a spa soon. That would be great, too, and probably help my rehab.
But I can't help but be sad. I liked Giants Extra, even some of the enemies that had wit. A new dog won't be Matilda. Trying to clean up and train is going to hurt like all holy hell. Salt for the wound, I could EASILY have just switched over to the new Diablo III video game, I had spent years playing Diablo II, and had eagerly awaited the new version, but my computer can't run it. It's not an expenditure I can justify as the non-money earner.
Time will tell how things work out. Should any of the Giants Extra crowd happen upon this, be well. I know I was not always easy to deal with, but my goal was to be of more benefit then detriment in the aggregate (a positive WAR, if you will), and I think, well, thought I did that. I had my moments. I really liked my fake commercial and did have some ideas for others I never got around to, but the banning speaks volumes. Perhaps my pessimism objectively made me a troll, and I could not see it with my own eyes.
While I hope the tide will turn, the same hope I've carried for 7+ years, my crappy existence gets a little crappier . . .
In Vonnegut fashion, so it goes . . .