[Rough week, personally. Issues, issues, issues. I do have new thoughts with regards to my continued calf problems being related to my former walk, using too straight of legs (probably hyper extended for normal people) to go with too much toe usage, but that will have to wait for another time. Still getting decent exercise, even with a few short injury breaks, and have lost a little weight (not enough!). I'm hoping the oncoming heat will help me shed some real pounds. While the ideal goal is to get below 190, I'm setting the bar lower (poor metaphor for having a larger number), at under 200 by the end of Summer, meaning I have 25+ pounds to lose. We shall see.]
My poor brain is thinking itself into a corner. Rather, I'm driving myself nutty by the circular manner in which I am questioning my own hypothesis. Well, not exactly. It is not a logical doubt, in my opinion, or even a logical loop. I just keep thinking in terms of it being a loop because questioning myself got this whole thing started, and now it's my self I question.
It has been so long, and my mind has become such mush, that I am faced with the reality that my hypothesis may be based on faulty assumptions.
First, however, I know (and I mean KNOW) that I both got taller and had major physical structural, postural, positional changes to my skeleton and how my muscles are situated in reference to them. That is really beyond question. I did not delude myself into always measuring 5' 9 1/2" for 14+ years. While I could have imagined the other changes, my wife witnessed them as well, and I don't think she would have lied, especially not when Psych got involved while I was in agony.
Yet, I am stuck in a loop of doubt.
After much movement and adjustment, I sometimes become able to mentally picture (or rather, imagine) a "new" movement, like raising one portion of my shoulder while leaving another alone or "back." After mentally picturing it, I become able to "almost" do it. Sometimes it is near exactly what I imagined it would be, other times nearly the opposite but still "new" to me, and still other times it creates a wave (of sorts) which I can let my muscles ride into a new position.
It has been like this since very early on, but I am not always able to focus enough to try it very often. Worse, I am more often than not such a basket case I forget to try, even when I have been in great pain for extended periods such that I know I need to do something "new" because I have have reached a barrier.
And so it is that I now question whether my thoughts are allowing the movement or whether the thoughts make the delusion of movement possible.
I am confident I am not deluding myself, especially with the evidence I do have, but that doesn't stop the doubts. It's just been too long, and I am so tired, all the time.