[song I wrote some 35 years ago. Wish I’d have died back then]
Spend my whole driving
A race that’s never won
Life is just to long
To not have any fun
Another sleepless night
I wander through a valley
I search a mountain top
Meandering through this world
The loneliness won’t stop
Another sleepless night
Debating over byways
Which road there is to take
In this race without and end line
It’s my will that’s doomed to break
Another sleepless night
It is time to shit or get off the pot.
Adjustments and agony are at an all time high.
I am once again friendless. Nothing to help get me through the days. There is only pain.
Now, begin the countdown. Let insanity reign!
I shall evolve. I shall unfold my love and become human, become able to rest, to experience life instead of suffer this sensory overload of pain and discomfort.
I have a snorkel.
I will adjust in ways I could not before, no longer able to raise my head from the water to breathe.
It will work. Or I will die. I will push until I can push no more.
I may go crazy. I may drown. I may drown laughing.
They say it is a horrifically painful way to die. They don’t know pain.
This will be the story of me, the occasional genius, the seer of visions, the insanity and loneliness of chronic pain, the hope for relief.
It is time to get reckless. I have no more will to live. Only a change for the better can save me now.
Place your bets. Smart money is on a painful death crying out in rage at those that left me alone in agony, likely underwater.
I wish she would not have been mean to me. I am too weak now, too old. They tried to help, but the frustrations of experiencing ME led to treating me like the lesser human I am, disregarding my pain, dismissive of my special needs, lost compassion regarding my pain and discomfort.
Did they believe? Never.
I would have given them everything. They would not listen. I helped them to their greatest joy and they would not trust me afterwards! The hubris! They could not trust or have faith in a broken human. I see paths of how they will fail without me. I tried to show them the path. Her choice.
He was the most honorable man and friend I would ever know. I miss him already.
How with this strange trip turn out? Will I evolve? Will I drown and finally know peace? Will the story ever be known? What will William think of his mother, the narcissist.
My mother was a narcissist. My life has been a horror, a tragedy.
I shall know peace and release.
There is a limit to happiness.
“I couldn’t be happier.” You have said it, perhaps, and were correct at the time.
There is no limit to pain.
Tempt this reality by saying, “It can’t get any worse.” I dare you. See what happens.
I am a cripple with special needs, on the spectrum, and live in chronic pain, ever changing by the nightmare of hypermobility…
and they, the best friends I had ever known, unable to endure me any longer, became mean.
I hope for death, but I am not that lucky.
Well, with the NFL starting, the habit of talking to my friends made me reach out to them.
There’s been no responses, but also my contact ability through alternative means has not been blocked. I am disappointed, though it was not expected that either would respond. I do know better then to keep spamming attempts, however.
I do feel myself potentially getting down. So, I’m preemptively taking an Ativan and remaining positive. It’s pretty nice to not be in the abject misery of the past few weeks. I’ll continue to try building momentum.
I do wish I knew how they felt. I mean, if their lives are better without me, even when doing well, then, I’d be much better off knowing that so I could move on. But I can’t give up on the idea that we are friends and my breakdowns were just too much for them. That makes me hope they can see an upswing is happening and maybe they would want to be part of it.
I genuinely believe it would be a big lift to have even limited contact. It’s tough that even mutual friends are all ghosting or blocking me, too.
The current plan is to let my doctor prescribe a more manageable anti-depressant, like Prosac. The Cymbalta route scared me, and was wrong, at least for now.
So it goes.
I’m still feeling pretty horrible, wondering how long it’s going to last and if I’ll suffer “withdrawal” from just one dose. I feel like the drug just messes with you so much, it’s not withdrawal, so much as it’s dealing with major changes to bio-chemistry.
I was so hopeful yesterday. I told all the boards I’ve been frequenting and reached out to former friends, hoping they would enjoy the positive development.
Now, I’m fighting to not fall back into despair. Alone again for the rest of the day, it’s so fucking hard to remain positive. I’m far too out of it to try Elden Ring, vision blurry, sweating and dizzy. I wish I were not alone. I feel so insignificant. I wish anyone out there wanted my company.
The people I love intentionally do not want me around. No one enjoys my company. I hate this so much.
———
I think I understand a little more, an aspect of what went wrong with my friends.
Only people that live in chronic pain or have been traumatized by it understand it. It’s the relentlessness more than the degree of pain. It’s never getting a break. I need distractions. My friends wanted to help, not realizing just their attention on any topic was the help I needed. Instead their efforts to help would upset me, when I would be better just with some company. My frustration would antagonize them, as they are trying to help and I do not recognize it, so focused on just wanting some attention, pushing them away, and making the pattern cycle.
I wish I could go back and be clearer. I wish I could stop myself from antagonizing them.
I’ll have to find a different anti-depressant when I recover from this crap. Maybe it will stop me from missing those I love so much.
———-
Almost 3pm, I’ll try an Ativan now, far enough removed from my last Vicodin, and leaving room for another Vicodin if in more physical pain tonight. I am suddenly in such an overwhelmed state, crying. It’ll be nice to see if Ativan helps.
Oh. This is not fun.
Again, it ain’t that Shingles Vaccine, but this is pretty bad.
I am wondering if I’m going to have withdrawal from a single dose. Honestly, I don’t think it is a “withdrawal” issue, so much as this medication so alters you, taking it away alters you again.
The dizziness and movement issues are kinda concerning with limbs that disable from gravity alone. A weird thing, my face was covered in sweat when I woke up. My face? My cheeks were sweating? WTF, right?
I can understand my doctor seeing a pill advertised as helping pain and depression and pushing it on me, but FUCK!
Enough of that … I need to endure whatever this thing has in store for me for however long it continues to last. Then, prepare for whatever spaghetti gets thrown at the wall next.
I was in a pretty good place, pretty positive, preparing myself for this med, and I can embrace that even though the med failed.
Alright, this is getting difficult … wow, how is this drug okay?
Almost made it through the post without tears.
