Sunday, June 23, 2019

On/In The Puzzle

No idea if this will make sense, I am going to run with as much flow of consciousness as I can on what I came up with at the pool this morning.  I’m a little elated and exhausted, just minutes home after about 3 hours in the pool over 3.5 hours there.  Much more than this has fallen into place, but I don’t think I can risk going into the “illusion of self” aspects this may have in common with Buddhism, but may be worth considering on your own after you finish.

First, what I believe I have always thought of as ME would be my collective stimuli.  This included pain and pleasure, everything.

Simple version of what I believe has been wrong with me: tangled curtain cords.  This, I believe, I have written much about in previous posts.  The points where cords are folded and knotted are both problems to unfold AND sources of stimuli which I have defined as part of ME, points where I get leverage in movement, aspects of my conscious and subconscious are rooted at these points because of it.

For the longest time, my “methodology” (there is method and much madness and I can’t use the word without quotes, lol) is to shake the cords with focused, tiny oscillations which slowly build strength enough to push/pull parts in attempts to unfold.  This process invariably lead to positive results in a cycle that has been written about over and over and over in these pages.  Those focal points noted above, as part of ME, always remained, if not used directly, at least as points of reference.

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Super simplified and part of what I have always held is that each limb is like two cords rotating down the limb in a helix, tight spiral at joints, elongated but still curved along bone.

Consider, metaphorically, these 2 “cords” are tangled curtain cords.  They got pinched in spots and tweaked at joints such as to make one a near full loop out of balance with the other.  This produced knots over time and altered my physical posture and is what I have been slowly and steadily undoing this past decade plus.

These two chords are meant to virtually slide along each other, never touch, never kink.  These are to be flexible and ride along the waves of correct physical movement, ideally with the body in proper posture.

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Now here is something, we’ll, let’s go with very abstract.

Take 1 and -1.  You got nothing.  Yes, yes, you really have two somethings that cancel each other out, but just go with it, okay?

You have nothing, but if the spin around each other, more forces are created.  They become more than nothing, more than a 1 and -1 that can cancel each other out.

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This is where I merges ideas.

Those focal points of increased perception because of kinks in my curtain cords that I identified as ME, I thought of them as illusions, I realized they are not ME.  Having a hard time articulating here.  I am the 1 and -1, or rather, I am the energy that guides the waves which travel the cords that can be thought of as 1 and -1, twirled in a helix.

Those focal points have been deceiving me. They are not ME.

So, mentally, the focal points, the places of pain and discomfort, had to change.  How I think has to change.

Instead of focus, instead of reference, instead of clinging in whatever form, physically or mentally, to these perception areas, I realized they were meant to be just two cords moving freely in sync, but not touching, paths for energy to flow though, not reference points.

In making this mental change (and I am in my infancy of doing so), I had incredible changes in my physical posture, even form.  I am excited as to where this will lead.

Of note - some of these changes lead to perception in the water which spawned memories, sensory recall, if you will, of what it felt like to be ME as a child in the pool where I grew up.  I take this to be great progress, a possible indication of reverting to form closer to the time of my injury.

Last note - still the complication of my injury remains.  I can not come close, yet, to feeling like a collection of cords in proper position, as joint/muscle alignment remains out of place, but this does give me a new technique, a new method to continue the process.

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A metaphor.  Imagine a table top model of a roller coaster with several consecutive loops in the form of a helix.  Now, instead of the roller coaster, turn the tracks for it into a tiny table top traveling that helix.  I am a jigsaw puzzle to put together on that 3D helix table top.  It is a thin long puzzle, one end colored near infra red, then slowly changing along the color spectrum to the other end near ultra violet.  Should not be that hard of a puzzle if the pieces could stick to the table (gravity is a bitch, am I right?).  Too bad not use my eyes to put this puzzle together.

So, for a decade plus, I have been “methodical” in taking each piece and slowly bu surely finding matches, knowing I will eventually get the puzzle worked out, the only question being whether I would live long enough.

Now, with this new way of thinking, it is as if, though I can still not see the puzzle pieces, I realized what edge pieces feel like, and not only that, but I discovered each piece has code on the back which corresponds to the wavelengths of color on the picture side of the piece.  Think how much easier that would make that puzzle to put together.

Yeah, I am pretty optimistic at the moment.

I have been optimistic before, but this really feels like a game changer.

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