AAAAaaaauuuuuggggghhhh!

I miss my friends too much.

It’s a nightmarish situation.  I would complain too much about my pains to them, but I did also chat a lot.  Now, having driven them off, I have so much extra time and I am in more pain.

I’ve been trying to use Reddit, chronic pain and mental health threads, reading a lot and commenting when I feel I relate or can help.  I post once in a while, but it is not very useful other than a time kill.

I’m noticing that not having them to chat with at all, just “hellos” and jokes and headlines and such, I am missing such a crucial part of how I managed to endure.  Chatting with them was a mindset, like having them with me.  I always liked to joke and make them laugh, so I’d be looking towards the funny side of everything, hoping to share.  I don’t look at the positive or funny side of anything.

My mornings all start so badly now, too.

They are 2 hours ahead of me, and both early risers.  My nights are horrific, constant dislocations and little sleep, often near sleepless.  I could greet and start joking and talking with them sometimes at 4am, even 3am.  Just a little banter would help end the night’s agony and often steer me towards a positive start to the day.

It snowballs now.  Pain cascades and I have nowhere to turn all night, only to realize they are likely awake at some point, active and living a beautiful life, and they don’t want me anywhere near it.  My despair causes breakdowns, and I leave for the pool and my morning swim with bloodshot teary eyes.  I start the day at the bottom and it’s hours and hours of loneliness and pain to follow.  So few distractions.

I wonder if I was so horrible they don’t even miss me in any form.  Was any banter enjoyed?  Am I missed in any way?  Did I so overwhelm any good feelings toward me that I really am a monster?

I hope they are happy.  I love them.  I wish they missed me enough to want my company, the good me, anyways, or consider giving me a chance again, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.  They have the perfect new chapter of life to move forward and be happy.  Truly happy.  Yes, I wanted to be part of that life, but …

The first half of this post shows I am too much effort.  They suffered too much of my misery.  When I hit rock bottom (what WAS the bottom, lol), I was WAY too much for them to handle, and I vented at my life, but hurt them in my confused idiocy and blame.  I cannot imagine myself ever worth their attention again. Why should they risk it?  I have Ativan now to take when I begin an anxiety based cascading collapse of pain, and that would have been enough before.  

But that was before, before hurting them and sinking even lower … to THIS.

How do I accept so much more time and pain?  How do I possibly find any joy again, let alone casual friendships?  I am an abomination, doomed to spiral further and further into misery and pain.  Fuck.