I Hate Wait - A Realization Why

Much happening, but existence remains difficult, and I doubt I will write much, but this may have been a big realization.

First, I’ve known (and written) for years now that I have never really been able to relax.  The knot or whatever the fuck it is caused by my childhood injury is near always clenched or causing muscles adjacent to it to clench.  This is why I love high heat days and hate cold.  

Okay, well, I have realized that while I consciously know what relax, slow down, patience all mean, what my body actually does is clench other muscles to fight the clenched ones.  I counter the forces rather than change.  For me, slowing down and/or waiting is literally using more energy and creating more tension in my body.  It is the opposite of relaxing.

I guess “slowing down” is the easiest example.  Sure, when I want to slow down while swimming, my movement speed slows down, but it’s because I am holding myself back, doing even more work, so to speak.

As of now, I don’t see any paths to help correct this beyond my continued efforts to undo the “knot” from my childhood.  I hope the realization can worm it’s way into meditation techniques while swimming to try to actually calm down, slow down.  

Perhaps the realization is tied to the “adjustments” that have happened this winter, perhaps alleviating some of the “knot.”  That change in the knot could have been the source of the new thought, spawned by the new (to me) perception of a muscle group actually having a moment of relaxation.

I am really ready for warmer weather.

This said, the other news is that I have gotten under 200 pounds.  Yay me.  I am still at a point where I straddle the number daily, but I am excited at the prospect of starting the next stint of warm weather at or under 200, with the opportunity to get down under 190 or even 180.  

I am hopeful things may snowball a bit when the weather warms.  :)