The Two Paths

I am beginning to teach my daughter what I know.  I have been planting seeds for a long time, but it is now time to begin a more formal version.  As such, I need to figure out how best to go about it.  I am going to try drafts of various lessons here.  Let’s call them “Attempted Lessons.”  There are so many ways to express the same concepts.  It’s funny that I see these lessons in so many places, just misunderstood in many cases, coincidentally parallel in others, perhaps, or maybe I just project upon them.  If I had to bet, they are mostly parallel, and therefore correct, really.  Anyways, here is an Attempted Lesson, The Two Paths.

*     *     *     *     *

There are two paths.

One path travels away from peace.  The other travels towards peace.

Every human travels these paths.  They are not direct lines.

The path towards peace requires mindfulness, though some, the lucky few, are subconsciously mindful in this regard.

*     *     *     *     *

To be at peace is to be balanced and to move along the helixes as your DNA intends.  Unfortunately, gravity makes this impossible for a land mammal to maintain.  Therefore, the path towards peace is a path of constant correction.  At best, the corrections can be minimal.  Yet, the need for corrections will never cease.

The exemplar of peace is a shark.  The shark never stops moving along the helixes intended by it’s DNA.  Because of being at peace, it’s “swim” uses the least amount of effort possible, a near perpetual motion machine, in truth.  It does not tire because it does not work to swim.  It’s movement is as relaxed as a resting heartbeat.

Because it lives in liquid, the effects of gravity are greatly reduced upon the shark.  we are not so lucky.  We develop kinks.  These kinks can be small or substantial.  Subjectively, they become imperceptible, small or large.  Mindfulness is how these can be identified.

The path toward peace is state of being where kinks are identified and steps are taken to unfold them.

If you are not unfolding your kinks, you are making them stronger, every step taking you further from peace, slowly creating kinks upon kinks, folds upon folds, knots.

The first achievement one can make is to realize the two paths.

A New Face

I’m tired and sore, but felt this needed a bit of documentation.

I have changed something in my back/neck such that it released something in my head that has altered my face.

I don’t really know exactly how to describe it.  Muscle moved lower compared to where my cheekbones are, maybe?  When I looked in the mirror after my swim on Saturday, I was different.  When I smile, everything stays lower.  There are new creases.  It is not the face I know, lol.

- - - - -

While I am pleased with the progress, I’m battling depression often.  I can’t shake, with every incremental success, how old I am and how much my perverted body must have influenced how my life was lived.  I wonder if I will ever not be tense and in pain, and if I do succeed, how long will it last.

I’m just very tired, and not handling the change to cold weather very well.

I’ll endure.  I’m too stubborn not to.  Gotta find out what happens, right?

Jammin’

What happens in a chrysalis hurts.

* * * * *

Changes have been significant, and I finally had to retire my Quicksilver board short swimsuit, the third I have used in the last decade or so of swimming.  I bought all three at the same time.  It was a sad day.

But moving on, I bought a Speedo Jammer.  I figured, “why not?”  The waist will be a new sensation, much better than the board shorts, once they got loose, dragging on the hips, and the compression could be interesting.

I’m two days into using them, and I have to wonder.  Was I destined to make this change when I made this change?  I mean, I had just began being able to use certain muscles in my hips which seem to be greatly helped with the compression on the legs.

I can’t do the changes justice, but sadly, the realization I have had is that I have a ways to go still.  My hips are a mess, maybe worse than the shoulders, though I do still believe they reflect each other.

I even have a fear I may get taller again if I get them fixed.  No, WHEN I get them fixed.

But wow, this hurts.

Too Brain Dead To Try A Clever Title

I am too spent to give this proper documentation.  I’ve swam (been in the pool doing body work) for 7 hours of the past 28, and last night I was up late watching Cal beat UW (BOOM!), meaning I am on even less sleep than my normally sleep deprived self.

After my swim, about an hour ago, I undid a portion of the knot I am that was totally new to me.  I imagine this will be very significant in the coming days.  Basically, all this time, even though I have been using a lot of mental energy to think in three dimensions, I have always thought my two sides, while connected and related to each other, were separate.  One side effected the other, but I never considered any muscle from one side had been pulled to the other.

I believe now that this is the case.

And really, I should have known it or guessed it years and years ago.

I managed to move some muscle in my back/shoulders that was on the right side of my spine to the left side of my spine.  Hopefully, it’s closer to where it belongs, right?  I think there is more to move, but I am very unstable at present and don’t want to mess with anything.

It made so much sense the moment I felt it.

My father pulled my right arm out of socket trying to free me from under a car.  It pulled some muscle segment(s) that we’re on the left side of my spine to the right side, and these constitute part of the kink at the core of my pains.  Much tension vanished when it occurred, including a tugging behind my left ear that has been tormenting me for some time now.

So much more work to do.  So much muscle memory to erase and reprogram.  It’s daunting, but I feel pleased to have had a significant adjustment that reaffirms I am at least partially correct about all this crap.

I am really sleepy.  Go Bears!  Good night!

I Am The Center Of The Universe; Another Meditation Technique

Things have been difficult of late, many changes but significant instability, which leads to pain.

Anyways, I had an interesting day on this, the last day of the Summer pool schedule.  So disappointed to lose my long weekday swims, now only 3 days a week, 2 hours each day, again.  sigh

And, of course, the first off days, the coming Tues and Thu, are going to be over 100 degrees outside.  No pool.  Figures, huh?

-  -  -  -  -

I so often think in terms relative to an axis, or two, and recently graduated to 3, lol.  It’s very difficult to picture the oscillations of swim strokes along 3 axis, where you try to adjust and alter position.  Focus is lost quickly.

Regardless, I have always had a mental picture, something like a map or grid.  I am on the map, moving along in the pool, trying to oscillate along an axis, mindful of the other two and how they are part of the movements.

Instead of the pool being a map which I move about within, I tried making my center (or as best as I can find it, somewhere in my upper core, I imagine) be the intersections of the axis.  I then move relative to this center.  That aspect is not new, however.

The “new” aspect is that I remain at the center of the intersection of each axis and the world moves relative to me.

Obviously, this shouldn’t change anything, but OMG it changed a ton.  So much movement.

I believe the mental change of not trying to move forward, not reaching, allowed me to subtract a set of forces from my perception. It cut some of the distractions, I suppose.

I don’t really know how to describe it any other way, at least not yet, and it’s only been one swim session, but as usual, I am psyched to get back in tomorrow and do some more.

Of course, I only get 2 hours and then will have to wait until Wed to get back in, but still . . .

On/In The Puzzle

No idea if this will make sense, I am going to run with as much flow of consciousness as I can on what I came up with at the pool this morning.  I’m a little elated and exhausted, just minutes home after about 3 hours in the pool over 3.5 hours there.  Much more than this has fallen into place, but I don’t think I can risk going into the “illusion of self” aspects this may have in common with Buddhism, but may be worth considering on your own after you finish.

First, what I believe I have always thought of as ME would be my collective stimuli.  This included pain and pleasure, everything.

Simple version of what I believe has been wrong with me: tangled curtain cords.  This, I believe, I have written much about in previous posts.  The points where cords are folded and knotted are both problems to unfold AND sources of stimuli which I have defined as part of ME, points where I get leverage in movement, aspects of my conscious and subconscious are rooted at these points because of it.

For the longest time, my “methodology” (there is method and much madness and I can’t use the word without quotes, lol) is to shake the cords with focused, tiny oscillations which slowly build strength enough to push/pull parts in attempts to unfold.  This process invariably lead to positive results in a cycle that has been written about over and over and over in these pages.  Those focal points noted above, as part of ME, always remained, if not used directly, at least as points of reference.

— — — — — —

Super simplified and part of what I have always held is that each limb is like two cords rotating down the limb in a helix, tight spiral at joints, elongated but still curved along bone.

Consider, metaphorically, these 2 “cords” are tangled curtain cords.  They got pinched in spots and tweaked at joints such as to make one a near full loop out of balance with the other.  This produced knots over time and altered my physical posture and is what I have been slowly and steadily undoing this past decade plus.

These two chords are meant to virtually slide along each other, never touch, never kink.  These are to be flexible and ride along the waves of correct physical movement, ideally with the body in proper posture.

— — — — — —

Now here is something, we’ll, let’s go with very abstract.

Take 1 and -1.  You got nothing.  Yes, yes, you really have two somethings that cancel each other out, but just go with it, okay?

You have nothing, but if the spin around each other, more forces are created.  They become more than nothing, more than a 1 and -1 that can cancel each other out.

— — — — — —

This is where I merges ideas.

Those focal points of increased perception because of kinks in my curtain cords that I identified as ME, I thought of them as illusions, I realized they are not ME.  Having a hard time articulating here.  I am the 1 and -1, or rather, I am the energy that guides the waves which travel the cords that can be thought of as 1 and -1, twirled in a helix.

Those focal points have been deceiving me. They are not ME.

So, mentally, the focal points, the places of pain and discomfort, had to change.  How I think has to change.

Instead of focus, instead of reference, instead of clinging in whatever form, physically or mentally, to these perception areas, I realized they were meant to be just two cords moving freely in sync, but not touching, paths for energy to flow though, not reference points.

In making this mental change (and I am in my infancy of doing so), I had incredible changes in my physical posture, even form.  I am excited as to where this will lead.

Of note - some of these changes lead to perception in the water which spawned memories, sensory recall, if you will, of what it felt like to be ME as a child in the pool where I grew up.  I take this to be great progress, a possible indication of reverting to form closer to the time of my injury.

Last note - still the complication of my injury remains.  I can not come close, yet, to feeling like a collection of cords in proper position, as joint/muscle alignment remains out of place, but this does give me a new technique, a new method to continue the process.

— — — — — —

A metaphor.  Imagine a table top model of a roller coaster with several consecutive loops in the form of a helix.  Now, instead of the roller coaster, turn the tracks for it into a tiny table top traveling that helix.  I am a jigsaw puzzle to put together on that 3D helix table top.  It is a thin long puzzle, one end colored near infra red, then slowly changing along the color spectrum to the other end near ultra violet.  Should not be that hard of a puzzle if the pieces could stick to the table (gravity is a bitch, am I right?).  Too bad not use my eyes to put this puzzle together.

So, for a decade plus, I have been “methodical” in taking each piece and slowly bu surely finding matches, knowing I will eventually get the puzzle worked out, the only question being whether I would live long enough.

Now, with this new way of thinking, it is as if, though I can still not see the puzzle pieces, I realized what edge pieces feel like, and not only that, but I discovered each piece has code on the back which corresponds to the wavelengths of color on the picture side of the piece.  Think how much easier that would make that puzzle to put together.

Yeah, I am pretty optimistic at the moment.

I have been optimistic before, but this really feels like a game changer.

Belated Update

Okay, I am near constantly focused on keeping certain areas in place, making every other task in existence difficult.  So, that’s why the last big development was not updated before now, as the next one begins.  In case I am actually doing something good, I don’t want the last change forgotten.

The success in the right shoulder continues to snowball, as do subsequent changes to hips, chest, neck, jaw, face, and eyes.  It’s a bit overwhelming at times.

I apologize for not putting a link, but just typing is taking all effort and I do not want to stop.

Early on, I described a subjective feel of what I have been doing as being like a game where you move a metal ball UP two metal rods trying to reach the furthest point possible when it drops.  Looking back, my attention was focused on the distance moved, just like that game.

Last week, there was a change, something happening more and more often, though intermittent.  It feels like a different “game,” or toy, the one where you hold, again, two metal rods (actually one, bent at the handle, but two should be noted) and a wheel spins in between them, the wheel’s metal hub touching both rods, it travels down the rods, to a point where they hook back toward the holder, then to an end point, where the wheel reverses field and travels back.  Hopefully, I can link to it later.  Most know the toy I am writing about.

So, the primary different is the reaching of a possible endpoint and returning, almost-controlled.

I think this is a big deal, lol.  At least, I hope so.

* * * * * * * * *

That noted, the new one, just happening, is still too new to describe, but I am really getting muscle maneuvered up into the right shoulder like never before, up the back of the shoulder, then releasing muscle towards the pectorals, maybe, lol.

Subsequent changes in the hip are beginning too.

Okay, it’s early, and I am writing before prepping to swim.  When I can better articulate the new stuff, or whatever happens next, I shall.

I am excited, but I have been excited before.

I Hate Wait - A Realization Why

Much happening, but existence remains difficult, and I doubt I will write much, but this may have been a big realization.

First, I’ve known (and written) for years now that I have never really been able to relax.  The knot or whatever the fuck it is caused by my childhood injury is near always clenched or causing muscles adjacent to it to clench.  This is why I love high heat days and hate cold.  

Okay, well, I have realized that while I consciously know what relax, slow down, patience all mean, what my body actually does is clench other muscles to fight the clenched ones.  I counter the forces rather than change.  For me, slowing down and/or waiting is literally using more energy and creating more tension in my body.  It is the opposite of relaxing.

I guess “slowing down” is the easiest example.  Sure, when I want to slow down while swimming, my movement speed slows down, but it’s because I am holding myself back, doing even more work, so to speak.

As of now, I don’t see any paths to help correct this beyond my continued efforts to undo the “knot” from my childhood.  I hope the realization can worm it’s way into meditation techniques while swimming to try to actually calm down, slow down.  

Perhaps the realization is tied to the “adjustments” that have happened this winter, perhaps alleviating some of the “knot.”  That change in the knot could have been the source of the new thought, spawned by the new (to me) perception of a muscle group actually having a moment of relaxation.

I am really ready for warmer weather.

This said, the other news is that I have gotten under 200 pounds.  Yay me.  I am still at a point where I straddle the number daily, but I am excited at the prospect of starting the next stint of warm weather at or under 200, with the opportunity to get down under 190 or even 180.  

I am hopeful things may snowball a bit when the weather warms.  :)

Woohoo!

I am sore as hell at present, but this morning, 2:40 minutes into my swim, I freed my right shoulder, a section of it, anyways.  A huge chunk of pain, a slab of frozen shoulder, blocking full range of motion for freestyle arms is gone.

I’d love to write more, but I am spent.