Going To Try Saying This Every Day

I am going to have the best day I can have today.

Attempts To Reconnect

 Well, with the NFL starting, the habit of talking to my friends made me reach out to them.

There’s been no responses, but also my contact ability through alternative means has not been blocked.  I am disappointed, though it was not expected that either would respond.  I do know better then to keep spamming attempts, however.

I do feel myself potentially getting down.  So, I’m preemptively taking an Ativan and remaining positive.  It’s pretty nice to not be in the abject misery of the past few weeks.  I’ll continue to try building momentum.

I do wish I knew how they felt.  I mean, if their lives are better without me, even when doing well, then, I’d be much better off knowing that so I could move on.  But I can’t give up on the idea that we are friends and my breakdowns were just too much for them.  That makes me hope they can see an upswing is happening and maybe they would want to be part of it.

I genuinely believe it would be a big lift to have even limited contact.  It’s tough that even mutual friends are all ghosting or blocking me, too.  

The current plan is to let my doctor prescribe a more manageable anti-depressant, like Prosac.  The Cymbalta route scared me, and was wrong, at least for now.

So it goes.

Fighting Failure

I’m still feeling pretty horrible, wondering how long it’s going to last and if I’ll suffer “withdrawal” from just one dose.  I feel like the drug just messes with you so much, it’s not withdrawal, so much as it’s dealing with major changes to bio-chemistry.

I was so hopeful yesterday.  I told all the boards I’ve been frequenting and reached out to former friends, hoping they would enjoy the positive development.

Now, I’m fighting to not fall back into despair.  Alone again for the rest of the day, it’s so fucking hard to remain positive.  I’m far too out of it to try Elden Ring, vision blurry, sweating and dizzy.  I wish I were not alone.  I feel so insignificant. I wish anyone out there wanted my company.

The people I love intentionally do not want me around.  No one enjoys my company. I hate this so much.

———

I think I understand a little more, an aspect of what went wrong with my friends.

Only people that live in chronic pain or have been traumatized by it understand it.  It’s the relentlessness more than the degree of pain.  It’s never getting a break.  I need distractions.  My friends wanted to help, not realizing just their attention on any topic was the help I needed.  Instead their efforts to help would upset me, when I would be better just with some company.  My frustration would antagonize them, as they are trying to help and I do not recognize it, so focused on just wanting some attention, pushing them away, and making the pattern cycle.

I wish I could go back and be clearer.  I wish I could stop myself from antagonizing them.

I’ll have to find a different anti-depressant when I recover from this crap.  Maybe it will stop me from missing those I love so much.

———-

Almost 3pm, I’ll try an Ativan now, far enough removed from my last Vicodin, and leaving room for another Vicodin if in more physical pain tonight.  I am suddenly in such an overwhelmed state, crying.  It’ll be nice to see if Ativan helps.

Bad Night Not Done - I WANT TO MOVE ON

 Oh. This is not fun.

Again, it ain’t that Shingles Vaccine, but this is pretty bad.

I am wondering if I’m going to have withdrawal from a single dose.  Honestly, I don’t think it is a “withdrawal” issue, so much as this medication so alters you, taking it away alters you again.

The dizziness and movement issues are kinda concerning with limbs that disable from gravity alone.  A weird thing, my face was covered in sweat when I woke up.  My face?  My cheeks were sweating?  WTF, right?

I can understand my doctor seeing a pill advertised as helping pain and depression and pushing it on me, but FUCK!

Enough of that … I need to endure whatever this thing has in store for me for however long it continues to last.  Then, prepare for whatever spaghetti gets thrown at the wall next.

I was in a pretty good place, pretty positive, preparing myself for this med, and I can embrace that even though the med failed.  

Alright, this is getting difficult … wow, how is this drug okay?

Almost made it through the post without tears.

No.

 It’s 1am and Cymbalta has been a bad experience.  I’m not gonna use this stuff.  No way.

If I somehow fall asleep and wake up feeling great, maybe, but this is not okay.  It’s not Shingles Vaccine side effects, but it’s bad enough to really want it to stop.  Dizzy, but a fucked up, weird dizzy, as if sometimes parts of me get hit by more gravity.  Nausea, pain, muscle cramps, very messed up balance (I almost fall over often).

I’ll endure this and figure out what’s next on Monday.

I really hope this feeling doesn’t last, but I fear it may be a few days.  Why do I trust my doctor at all?

Once Upon A Time Called Now! Cymbalta Tonight!

 Okay.  Nervous.

Cymbalta starts tonight.  It’s supposed to be the same time every day, cause it fucks you up if you are late taking it (joy, wtf am I taking!?!?).  I figure since my mornings vary so much, bad night can mean leaving for the pool before 5am, but if I am sleeping, actually sleeping, I let myself sleep.

So, nights it is!

Taking it at 7:30.  So, by what? 7:37 or so, I’m cured, right?  :D

If you read this, send good vibes.  I really don’t want to go through side effects he’ll on this drug.

Pool Paranoia

Sigh.

I had a decent day yesterday, before the house turned into an oven around 5, anyways.  My swim was not that good, but I was making some progress in getting the wrecked right arm (from the blood draw) more manageable, and in reorganizing the living room, I had disrupted some negativity.  I only cried 5-6 times, and none more than a few minutes (sadly, that’s big progress).  I was looking forward, and glad today is thought to be the last of this Hell On Earth week.

The pool was packed when I got there at 6am today.  While changing, though, a lane opened up.  That made me a little optimistic.  Some luck, right?

Prepping to get in, sitting on the edge, I was surprised by just how hot the pool had gotten, and was even intrigued it could be quite useful today.  Two women were sharing the lane next to me, and one was near and approaching just as I had put my feet in.  I smiled, and in a friendly tone joked, “This pool has never BEEN so warm!”

She was looking at me when I spoke, in the eyes, but then looked away, no expression at all, totally ignoring me.  She turned at the wall, as the woman she shared the lane with was trailing by maybe 15 feet.  By how that woman, shared an eyeroll with the one that just ignored me, it seemed pretty obvious she intentionally ignored me.

The next 1:45 minutes was dominated by thoughts of my reputation in the pool, because of how I walk and dislocate all the time, and because of the wellness check when two policemen asked from the pool and interviewed me in the view of the entire club, breakdowns, subluxations, and all.

Even if it had nothing to do with the police visit, this did not used to happen when I was JUST a physical oddity.  Am I doomed to be paranoid and never return to a relax state at the pool?  Do I need to never even try to talk to anyone?  [fuck, first cry of day starting]  Am I really such an embarrassment no one will even exchange pleasantries?  How the fuck am I ever going to make any new friends?  

———

I am compelled to write the following, in case former friends do actually come and read, again.  If any of you, W, C, or A, do come and look, it means you don’t hate me completely, I hope.  I mean, I would think it means you remain concerned.  I ask you to think about why you ghosted me, which I believe was also in part trying to help, yes?  Believing I needed to seek new help and remaining engaged was doing more harm than good, yes?  I’m not disregarding the negative and/or hateful/mean things I wrote.  I just hope time can help forgive things said you must know came from a place of fear and despair.

I am asking you to consider whether any limited contact with express boundaries would be possible moving forward.  I am getting some help, but I am also so stymied by such loneliness.  [second cry starting, lol]  I am trying.  I am having some successes.  Some hurdles just seem so high, and I could really use a friend.  Just knowing someone still cares instead of hoping it is the case.

I should be starting Cymbalta in the next day or so, and it is supposed to start taking effect within a few days to a week or so.  It would be VERY helpful, IMO, to have some positive reenforcement, some positive interactions, while the drug starts to take effect and alter mood.  I do not want to establish isolation [3rd, sigh] with the drug lessening pain and negative moods (presuming it works).  I really do not want to have shitshows like today’s pool interaction making me even more prone to isolation.

Please consider it.

———

There was some minor progress in the unwinding/unfolding department near the very end of the swim.  Not up for writing about it, though, anymore.  It was not significant enough to create any meditations or focuses for the future, anyways.

I do wonder if Cymbalta could end up aiding my swimming, as I did associate finally letting go of some anxiety/stress after 1.5 hours when the progress happened.  I do worry about becoming numb to some pains that actually help me find where I need to move, but it may not be all negative.  Just saying, while I am nervous as hell about the new med, I do have some hopes it could help and can imagine possible paths.

So it goes.

Alright, last long as fuck insane temperature day, hopefully.  Should reach 110.  House should suck again, at least until after midnight.  It’ll be hilarious, I should think, when the projected 95 degree heat of Saturday feels cool.

I just hope they remember to turn the heat for the pool back on in a day or two.  I can totally see the pool end up too cold by Tuesday.  I need to remember to say something.

———

Back to Elden Ring … so difficult to figure out what I still have to do on my best character.  Part of me is tempted to start anew, but I should really try finishing the game once first, lol.  I’ll never have the patience to make a character as strong as my current one.  I’m aiming at finishing as a goal.  Wow, look at me and the rampant positivity!  :’D