Twisted

 I’m not well.  Unfolding had contorted me into uncomfortable twists.  I cannot maintain positions easing strain and/or pressure.  My abdomen and hips are proving difficult.  My shoulders and sides are a wreck.  Whatever I am trying to accomplish, I fear, is far more fucked up that I ever dreamed in my worst nightmare.

I am choking sometimes, my throat folding from muscle memory and twists.  My stomach, beneath, wants to vomit whenever the choking is unfolded, as if I am going to “pop” a la Neo.   Shoulders are out of position to a degree that my sides are wrong, one very buckled while the other … indescribable, maybe cramped, too much smushed together, but some sections are so loose.

Hands are a mess.  Left index finger is very bad.  Pain.  Knuckles swell.  Slightest wrong movement or bump dislocates.  Right thumb is somehow related to forearm and wrist.

All sometimes makes sense, but separately, never all together.  Focus on any one and things cramp, cascading pain and exponentially complicated issues.

I get incredible pressure in my head.  My neck has issues, kinks and cricks.  

I worry the new toy, electric pulses, does too much strengthening for locations.  I think the right spots could produces incredible progress coupled with my swimming.  The wrong spots, with me unable to know how to position myself … makes me anxious about torturous pain like the head pain of this afternoon.

The scariest is something in my head/face, cheeks/eyes, jaw.  There are shifts.  There is pressure sometimes.  Such pressure.  Vision goes fuzzy, slight tremors, maybe.  I go go cross eyed and produce “double vision” (camera one and two not aligned), and I am fairly certain muscle memory forces vision correctness at the cost of strain and incorrect alignment.  Always such pain.

I worry this is too ingrained or muscle memories and kinks in the neck and head to be corrected, and I will continue to experience rather horrific head pain and discomfort for extended periods.  There is no alternative but to continue, but I fear I developed from childhood in ways which will not correct themselves by unfolding.

Into Unknowns

It is like the moment when your stomach lurches and reverses field, when the muscles create a wave of motion in reverse and you vomit.

That is the change I seek in muscles, too many to identify.  In this sense, I am physically nauseous, all the time, often in pain.

I don’t know what is happening, if I am near a success, or if I am near a bad end.

I am so tired.  It has been so long, this unfolding.

I face this alone, and my only hope is that the habits I spent years to establish, how I seek folds and reverse them, will be enough.  

I have nothing left.  I have no will anymore.  I have nothing.

Near The End

 I believe I am close to killing myself.

My constantly changing pain makes me horribly unstable, mentally and physically.

At a low point during the Covid shut down, I met two wonderful people that helped me.  I love them both deeply.  I may have even helped them do some wonderful things.

But my instability drove one away from me, and I cannot handle it.  I cannot remain close friends with the other, when they were both so important to me.  So, one washed her hands of me, and I had to walk away from the other, or invariably become so frustrated and angry as to do things to harm them.  I would. 

I want to now, even.  I want to kill myself on their doorstep, make her see my heart literally broken.  Lucky them, eh?  I can’t last 15 minutes in a car, and they live days away.

I am just in too much pain, and now friendless.  I ruined a most beautiful friendship.  I, a tortured, twisted, constantly shifting puzzle of pain and tension and misery.  I was too much for them, which I did tell them was likely, from the start.

I simply have no idea how I will get through the days anymore.  I would wait for the next chance to speak to them, to banter through messages.  It got me through a year.  Then, this last year was much harder.  I don’t have much left.

If I owned a gun, I would have blown the back of my head out tonight, the moment the friendship ended.  I would have left my wife better off without an unstable needy useless lump of flesh costing money.  

My daughter, she will be hurt by my suicide.  She is doomed to suffer similarly, though I pray differently enough to have a better life than I have had.  I will try to keep going for her, but we seldom speak, and she does know the differences between our cases, and that I am miserable.  I will show her I will endure all I can until I cannot.

I am very close to being done.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I am sorry I was not able to express what I figured out.  I really do understand the paradigm of gravity’s effect on the body, muscle memory, and the subjective nature of perception.  I understand why “life is suffering.”

The best advice you will ever get is to work your core.  There is so much more you can do, but for most, that alone will improve many health issues.

Waves … it is all about waves … and the path or a wave is a helix.

Goodbye

Low and Lower

 It’s been a terrible year for me.

There has been progress.  In the pool, I have managed to find more of my torso, and almost connect my arms to it.  And my butterfly has had some incredible improvements.

But I have been dreadfully alone.  Not entirely true.  Some outstanding, truly outstanding people have been trying to pick me up in the online gaming community.  I just feel I am a drag on them, which during this Covid crap is tough to handle.

Would it really be so bad if I just died and stopped being a bother to so many.  I do not see my value. I do not see my worth, not anymore.  I spend so much time sad, waiting for friend, the. Turn into eyeore and bring everyone down constantly.  What use is that?

I do keep having progress, but I just can’t free my shoulder blades.  There is so much pressure on my chest and neck.  I don’t know how much longer I can do this. 

Torque v. Acceleration

 Okay.  Just home from a too short Covid appointment schedule 45 minute swim, BUT I may have had a breakthrough.  Yeah, again, but c’mon.

All this time, I knew the kink I was “unfolding” or “unwinding” was complicated, a collection of helixes wrapped around my skeleton with kinks.  Maybe only one main deep one, but had developed more while growing up dealing with it.

I have been, constantly, identifying spots and trying to correct them, sometimes holding several in my mind at the same time, though often failing.  Sometimes, progress would be made.  Okay, almost always, some degree of progress was made, but I also have always known the right set of “points of focus,” likely a ridiculous number of them, properly “adjusted,” would just set everything in the right place.

There would still be a substantial amount of muscle memory to rid and create at that point, but the kinks would potentially no longer be the focus.  If lucky, they would not exist, at least not the same.

The real problem, then, was not to hold a ridiculous number of “points of focus” in my head and move them all in different directions at the exact proper moments, but to discover a new way of thinking, a new way to be, that would make “being” do the unfolding/unwinding.

I may be onto that.

I doubt it will make too much sense, or maybe it will.  I know the same terms I have used before, so it may be ripe for miscommunication.

I must no longer think of points, rather acceleration.  There are really only 2 ways I move, maybe how everyone moves, through torque or acceleration.  F=ma.  T=rFsine(insert Theta symbol).

Instead of finding points to try to move around or whatever, I must relax into movement which is acceleration based, along a helix still, but with greater acceleration and alteration along that helix to correct areas where torque occurs.

All of my pain may be based on torque.

sigh

Too frazzled to continue, but at least I got this written down.  It has been a long time since I have realized something, some aspect of this rabbit hole, potentially making things clearer, and easier to continue.  I’m happy.  Well, almost, lol.

Enduring

Things are not going well.

First, the pool closed because of Covid.  No relief from gravity pulling limbs out of place.  My only way to get any relief was through very focused jogging, trying to oscillate my core, and sometimes getting some success after an hour or more.

This did not go well for the rest of my body.  The bouncing, however slight, had arms pulling on shoulders.  The muscle memory of how to fight gravity was constantly against me.  Then, my left foot started having issues, numb toes, ingrown nails, you name it.  I keep trying, though.  I have no choice.

Some months into this shitshow, my cousin Stephen died of the virus.  He was a doctor in Virginia.  I never knew him very well as he was near 18 years older than me, but he was important to me, nonetheless.  He had been George H. W. Bush’s personal physician while he was VP, when I was just entering my teens.  I never doubted I could make something of my life because of his achievements.  I had not realized that until he was gone.

Anyways, his death hit me hard, with my own health crumbling significantly without the pool.  I have gained back weight pushing me back over 200.

Really frustrating, before the pool closed, I wrote them a reasonably detailed e-mail pointing out the ways to make the pool area safe to stay open, including aspects of the changing warmer weather that would allow usage without entering the adjacent building.  Months later (a month+ ago), our county gave the go ahead to reopen, but our facility remains closed.  They recently noted when they do open, certain steps will need to be taken that they have been working on, and yeah, it’s basically what I suggested back in February.

So, suffering significantly, I wait.

Then, this past week, our water heater ruptured.  A stream of boiling water went through the wall of the garage and into our hallway closet.  I was playing a videogame.  The water sound was not strong, and I thought my daughter was taking a shower.  The sound increased, and had done a great deal of damage by the time I noticed.

The resultant demo and construction to repair started yesterday, and has been more noise than I can handle, not to mention ridiculous worry as workers exert themselves in my home and often take their masks off.  Unable to handle it, I have been moved to my mother-in-law’s currently vacant second home.

He is lay, on the floor, alone and in pain.  I do not have my hot tub to get even a minimal relief from gravity.  I don’t have my dogs for company.  I also find I miss my yard, my trees.  I do not like being in some other neighborhood.  I don’t want to even try jogging, having people I do not know, that do not know me, see the awkward jiggle utilizing forward momentum.  I do not want to have a cough fit from a dislocation altering my chest to be mistaken for some guy entering their area with Covid.

So, I lay here, enduring, as long as I can.

The Two Paths

I am beginning to teach my daughter what I know.  I have been planting seeds for a long time, but it is now time to begin a more formal version.  As such, I need to figure out how best to go about it.  I am going to try drafts of various lessons here.  Let’s call them “Attempted Lessons.”  There are so many ways to express the same concepts.  It’s funny that I see these lessons in so many places, just misunderstood in many cases, coincidentally parallel in others, perhaps, or maybe I just project upon them.  If I had to bet, they are mostly parallel, and therefore correct, really.  Anyways, here is an Attempted Lesson, The Two Paths.

*     *     *     *     *

There are two paths.

One path travels away from peace.  The other travels towards peace.

Every human travels these paths.  They are not direct lines.

The path towards peace requires mindfulness, though some, the lucky few, are subconsciously mindful in this regard.

*     *     *     *     *

To be at peace is to be balanced and to move along the helixes as your DNA intends.  Unfortunately, gravity makes this impossible for a land mammal to maintain.  Therefore, the path towards peace is a path of constant correction.  At best, the corrections can be minimal.  Yet, the need for corrections will never cease.

The exemplar of peace is a shark.  The shark never stops moving along the helixes intended by it’s DNA.  Because of being at peace, it’s “swim” uses the least amount of effort possible, a near perpetual motion machine, in truth.  It does not tire because it does not work to swim.  It’s movement is as relaxed as a resting heartbeat.

Because it lives in liquid, the effects of gravity are greatly reduced upon the shark.  we are not so lucky.  We develop kinks.  These kinks can be small or substantial.  Subjectively, they become imperceptible, small or large.  Mindfulness is how these can be identified.

The path toward peace is state of being where kinks are identified and steps are taken to unfold them.

If you are not unfolding your kinks, you are making them stronger, every step taking you further from peace, slowly creating kinks upon kinks, folds upon folds, knots.

The first achievement one can make is to realize the two paths.