Oh So Close . . .

I cannot do the sensation justice.

I don't even know where to begin.

I feel as if I were soft wood, inchworming it's way UP a screw, some muscles finding their proper groove, able to support that above it without strain, this alone being something very unfamiliar.

I am not done.  I fear much work may remain, and much pain as well (these adjustments of late are either agony or ecstasy), and yet, I feel so close.

I am so very tired, exhausted really, but I have momentum on my side.

I must believe this is so.

I do believe it.

Not momentum, the tide.  I have the tide on my side.

Vector Detector

Nothing more than a mental note on my newest way to think of the quantification of a body's physical balance.

Vectors.  Consider every muscle strand to be a vector.  It is very much similar to this, after all.  Each muscle has a direction and a weight.

For my purposes, the "weight" of each vector is it's resting force towards movement.

Imagine a person holding your arms at your side as you try to lift them.  You are let go after 30 seconds and told to relax your arms, but they continue to rise without your input.  [It's almost like an after image of the force you applied earlier.]  Your resting force towards movement would be what your muscles want to do just from your normal actions in a day.

So, now consider each of these muscle strands as a quantified vector.  When you are at rest, the sum of all these vectors would be zero for a body in balance.

*     *     *     *     *

Dammit, I had my next thought planned, and in the time it took to put up a page break, it was gone.

My train of thought has derailed.

*     *     *     *     *

It does get more complicated, and gravity (more specifically, how your muscles deal with it) is most definitely a huge factor.

But I got the paradigm out there, before it was lost to the next bombardment of thoughts, a win in itself.

Physical Violence?

Lots of movement lately.  Great success.

Then I tried to eat.

Swallowing did not function.  I scooted quickly to the bathroom unable to breathe and popped.  It was not puking, but the mid-neck up was in reverse.

I believe I was having the innards versions of adjustments, with my esophogas trying to unfold it's way up the inside of my neck.

It was not a fun day after that, my own self being physically violent agaionst me. 

However, I did have a giggle later on . . .

*     *     *     *     *

Having a difficult day, I went for a late soak in the hot tub.  My moment of near-non-pain comes when I go underwater for a break from gravity.  Again, today being a hard one, I was very medicated when I got in the water.

So, when I came up for air and heard the police over their intercom, it was kind of an "oh shit" moment.

They clearly were not at my door, or that of a close neighbor, rather just down the street, but as I couldn't make out what they were saying, I shook my head and wiped away the water in order to hear better.

That's when I realized a flock of geese were flying over head.

For Friends of The Wisdom Cow

A while back, ESPN's website went with a new comment format requiring a facebook account.  I stopped commenting there.

The BANG (Bay Area News Group) site I followed the SF Giants through went with a Disqus sign-in for commenting.  I stopped there as well.

Now, BANG finally converted their Cal site too.  I tried to sign on once using the Google option, which I sign on for this blog, but it did not work (though it did, then, keep me logged on when I came to this site).  I didn't like doing it.  I was against doing it, but I didn't want to drop off the face of the Internet.

But it didn't log me on.  It didn't let me post, still wanting me to jump through more and more hoops for some reason.

So, I'm done with commenting on all these sites.  A few of you check in here from time to time.  Please, let the others know I'll still read sometimes, but I am done commenting (to the applause of some, no doubt).

Even though people with half a brain can find my personal information without much effort, I am tired of always being asked to give it away, of sites asking me to sign in so they can log and keep track of me. 

It really bothered me that BearTalk didn't do anything to let me know the change was coming.  Poor choice, Jeff Faraudo.  Perhaps I would have been up for trying to log on more than once had I known it was coming. 

Eh.  More likely I would have just been able to say my goodbyes, and I wouldn't have even tried once.  This, I bet they know, which is why no notice was given.

But I did try once.  It didn't work.  Now I am just bitter.  The friends and relationships I made with other posters there are the leverage Disqus has to get me to accept their terms. 

Well, fuck Disqus.

Holy Crap-Mas!

Short.  Documentation.

It's X-Mas Eve.

Spent the day with 2 extra kids, all behaved extremely well, a surprise.  Must be that last second naughty list possibility that keeps them on their toes.

Regardless, it wiped me out in a big way, not being able to rest during the day.

*     *     *     *     *

Around 5 O'clock, when the kids were picked up, I tried to relax in the hot tub.  It was impossible.  All I could do was unwind, literally.  The weightlessness of the water made it hard not to let the arms, hips and neck adjust.

A great deal shifted.  A Gestalt attempt to describe: mass/muscle went under-behind-then atop the right shoulder; mass/muscle went in front-atop-then behind the left; The right front of my throat (muscle beneath the skin, connected(?) to trachea) was swallowed, allowed to drop, letting my entire head tilt forward slightly.

I am incredibly uncomfortable, both arms seemingly requiring me to send the inverse of signals to them in order to do something without sharp pain.

I'd go the pain pills and pot route and try to go to sleep, but family is here.  On the bright side, they are all women.  Being the lone mail, it is no problem to be out on the periphery, rarely chipping in and able to slip behind a corner to sublux a limb as needed.

*     *     *     *     *

Nothing like a quick partial dislocation to speed up the process of unwinding, except when you go the wrong way.  Not fun, it's only happened a few times tonight.

And yes, the egomanical imagination is allowed to run wild in those moments between pain and involuntary continued attempts to right wrongs.  I think, "Wouldn't it be cool if I finished tonight."

Of course, I have this thought every night, but the holidays and birthdays and numerologically interesting dates always make me push just a little bit more than I otherwise would.

*     *     *     *     *

I wouldn't mind the daydreaming.  I used to do it to endure, after all.  Yet, now, it usually interferes with focus and actually slows my progress.  I can't come anywhere near the Mindfulness techniques of meditation I used to be able to do.  I'm fried. 

Although, in truth, sometimes I start exercising and adjusting and two hours go by and I haven't had more than a few thoughts I can remember.  So, perhaps I'm doing a better job of meditating.  That, or my memory is shot, too.

What was I writing about?

A Backup Date Back Update

I really wish I could articulate what I accomplished about a half hour before I sat to start writing this, but I know I cannot in the detail I would like.  Instead, I'll try to write out what I identified while trying to do the latest adjustment.

 - Both hip sockets are twisted out of alignment in the same direction such as to (a) cause the sensation of needing to twist in alternate directions, and (b) result in my right side of my core feeling as if it needed to be allowed to lift upwards, the left side downwards.

 - My lower spine's resting position feels as though it is too far back, as if the proper resting position would have my pelvis pushed further forward.  This may not actually be the spine that needs to move (or move much), as it could be the surrounding muscles or the angle of the hips from a pelvic thrust which becomes more aligned.

 - With lower spine pushed forwards, a backwards arch aids in finding muscle groups in need of alignment going from the core to points behind, in front, and seemingly within (a knot?) my right shoulder.

 - Current successful adjustments of the muscles tangling the right shoulder are linked very much to my chest's position, which I believe, at rest, is arched far too far backwards.

 - The at rest chest position, arched too far backwards, results in lungs NOT holding a proper resting volume of air.  The lungs are expanded, possibly a substantial amount more than one should at rest (at normal exhale), allowing a significant exhale when my back and shoulders are in a position I believe is much closer to their proper resting position.

This may explain a few things, like my inordinate breath capacity, even during times of constricted lungs needing Albuterol, where I could still make a breath gauge meter slap against the end of the measurement slide.  It may also be linked to the exhale/sigh/"ah" sound I used to make unknowingly as a youth, which I made after nearly any statement and was teased for as long as I can remember.

 - I believe muscles tangled around my right rib cage are responsible for the pushed out of position resting location of my chest and lungs.

*     *     *     *     *

Well, I made great progress in altering the resting position of my chest.  By the still kinked nature of my right shoulder, I believe I still have work to do, which also results in changes everywhere listed above, hopefully towards their proper positions (or maybe out of position in order to unlock a kink).

The most notable change afterwards was a clear improvement of my leverage in pulling my garbage cans out to the curb.  The sensation was overwhelmingly noticeable, especially with the heavy yard waste can.

*     *     *     *     *

As the above points imply, the number of points in needs of coordinated movement for a successful adjustment is rather complicated, and thus, hard to explain.

And yet, the sensations are becoming much easier to accomplish than ever.  It is still a challenge to get all needed done at the same time (forget one, and the "adjustment" results in something more like a stripped thread than an actual change in positions), but my successes create sensations of significant change from my jaw/face/neck down through my core to my hips and even then through the legs resulting in ankle changes (and even foot pad alterations).

Three cheers for progress.

No doubt, however, I'll know pain and/or dizziness later this evening as a result.

I'm Back, and Winter Is Coming with Me

I have so much I could try to explain.

The muscle development in my back, touched upon earlier, has continued at a rate which feels exponential.

One true positive occurred while meeting with my Rhuematologist.  I described the two portions of muscle I was becoming able of flexing in my lower back, one on each side of my spine, and she matter of factly stated in a 'continue, please' type tone, "as it should."

I nearly broke down in tears.

Let me be clear.  I have been as close to certain as one can be that I have been doing something right all these years.  I have been as close to certain as one can be that this latest muscle development in my lower back was right.  Yet, I did not know it was right.

I finally have some measure of confirmation.

*     *     *     *     *

This does not at all mean things have been rosy.  I am a mess.

The muscle development in my lower back has created slack (for lack of a better word) in both shoulders and hips.  It has lead to changes in my jaw, head, and face that I cannot keep up with.  Dizziness and ear aches are commonplace.  My swallowing difficulties reappear worse than ever for a day or two, then vanish entirely.

And it is starting to get cold . . . .

*     *     *     *     *

I am genuinely fearful of the months ahead.  When I do not continue to strengthen everywhere, parts get behind, things get very difficult, and I become riddled with pain and discomfort.

The colder it gets, the more difficult it is to relax and/or identify muscle groups needing work.

This is to say, when not cold, I can meditate my way from flexing these "new to me" back muscles to where they extend to by connections, my core, my limbs, my neck, even my groin.  Cold, I'm lucky to extend and work one area.  Others go unidentified, creating more unbalance, more . . . difficulties.

This is on top of just plain miserable physical conditions as the temperature drops.  Sleep becomes near impossible.

*     *     *     *     *

At the end of last Winter, I hoped I would not go through another while still adjusting.  It was a miserable experience.  Now, I face one with much more significant adjustments happening almost daily.

This will be bad, and I am having a hard time knowing it is on the horizon.