My Journey West

While I continue to struggle trying to find a way to describe not only what I am feeling but what it means, I have come up with a decent analogy as to what the experience of the last ten years have been like.

First, I acknowledge my presuption that what I am doing can/will make me better.  But let's not dwell on such a trivial matter (as I blush a little from embarrassment, knowing just how great the odds are that I may be wrong).

*     *     *     *     *

Let's pretend I am on the East Coast, and I know only two things, things we shall presume are true:

1) If I get to the West Coast, all will be well, and
2) Between me and the West Coast lies the Rocky Mountains, a very difficult impediment.

*     *     *     *     *

Now, take note of what I do not know.

1) I do not know about the Appalachians or the Sierra Nevada Mountains.
2) I do not know about rivers.
3) I do not know about long stretches of plains without water.
4) I do not know how far away the West Coast is, nor do I know where the daunting Rocky Mountains are.

*     *     *     *     *

All I have is a compass and the knowledge that if I keep going West, I can be free.

[In case you don't spot a portion of the comparison right off.  My "compass" is the knowledge that may changes are taking me West.  I know West by feel.  For this metaphor/analogy it's a real compass.]

*     *     *     *     *

Now, add that I am walking and that I am barefoot and that my feet bleed often.  Let's say I suffer from ankle fissures.  Walking across the room can be an ordeal, and I am trying to cross a continent.

*     *     *     *     *

There you have it.  That is what it is like.

Consider that I have now been walking a very long time.

Early on, every pass I reached in the Appalachians, I was certain was the highest apex of the Rocky Mountains.  I'd thought the hardest part was over, time and again, not knowing I had barely begun.

Now, I am exhausted, still not knowing if I have crossed the Rockies. 

For all I know, I am still in the East, or perhaps I am in the foothills or the California Central Valley, ever so close to reaching the coast.

All I can do is keep moving west.

Another Puzzle Piece

Further documentation.  This is more because I hurt to much to try to write it longhand in my journal than that I had some desire to post it here.

*     *     *    *     *

The adjustments continue.  The most notable being a segment of meat/muscle climbing up my back.

It is such that I can visualize a short segment rising from just below the shoulder blades to just above them, and it seems that I can do it. 

The change doesn't remain, however.  It is just the beginning of strengthening the muscles involved.

While swimming, this had a tremendous effect upon my freestyle.  It freed up the arms a great deal, and this is with the newly freed legs from only days ago.  One objective fact worth noting is that I could breathe on either side with easy in this posture.  I've never been able to take a functional breath over my left shoulder while swimming freestyle until just yesterday.

Wow.  Just wow.

*     *     *     *     *

Of course, such progress has come with a cost.

The adjustments around the shoulder have ridden waves both down through the hips and up through the jaw and face, even around the eyes.  Some dizziness returned for a while.

But the jaw has become swollen, again, just off, just to the side of where my old "ear infections" kept reoccurring.

And now I am certain -

At least to some extent, the vast majority of my "ear infections" in the past 2-3 years, those times when severe swelling had closed the ear canal and caused severe pain, those times where the doctors have looked in my ear, been unable to see because of a closed canal, and quickly prescribed antibiotics and ear drops, many of these were not really about the ear canal.

The ear canal was collateral damage.  The joints and ligaments around my jaw, so loose already, tweak the neck and ear, causing aggravation to lymph nodes, resulting in swelling that eventually includes the ear canal.

Now, the question comes to mind whether or not the ear infections of my youth, too, were actually related more to my perversion than to water drying out within the ear.

Flap Them Wings

Some big changes lately.

Extreme release of the lower back has freed my legs such that I can kick flutter kicks doing freestyle which do not take much effort at all.  It's amazing how much less tension exists.  It still takes a while to get back to this point, but it's been easier to reach each day.

Another offshoot, trying to apply the same relaxation and elongation of the lower back while running (which is much more difficult), resulted in the ability to run with a focus on the left foot and leg, almost as if left handed.  This, in turn, freed deep knots around the right shoulder.

Last, at least last remembered, is a deep stitch in my right side that I am finding room to work with.  It is possibly the initial tweak, as it is clearly a tangle of sorts from the right shoulder (the one dad pulled out) all the way into my core on the right hand side.  I am not sure I have found how to release it, but I have at least clearly identified it, the first important step.

On to the new coincidence, . . .

*     *     *     *     *

I'll keep it short as I need to be on my way to the pool, but-

Things advancing so much, so quickly, and the latest focus on both shoulders gave me the creeps, especially since it seems to possibly be the final focus needed, just discovered this morning.

Elongating the torso, trying to find the top of the shoulders (which on the right side, what should be on top feels buckled, cramped toward the back of the shoulder near the arm pit), I started oscillating both arms. 

Not in a back and forth, pendulum type movement, mind you, I did it much more fluidly.  Finding what I hope is the (real) top point, elongating beneath it, and then allowing the upper torso to push it forward and backward.  The top going back and forth, what is under it follows, slightly trailing, then past the end point of the "top" portion of the shoulder while the "top" has started back the other way.

I knew immediately this was going to be very helpful, my arms moving like a slo-mo video of bird wings.

Then, it hit me.  It's like Butterfly wings.  Coincidence?

*     *     *     *     *

When my kid was itty bitty, I'd do a silly thing with her.  Aiding, no pretty much doing it to her, I'd flap her arms up and down while saying, "Flap your wings and you might fly.  Flap your wings and you might fly."  We'd both laugh.

Those words came back at me with a vengence this morning.

I'm flapping.

Coming to a Head?

I am feeling ill.

The right side of my head, again, is swollen.  Small miracle, it is now below the ear canal.  So while I have some ear discomfort, ther agony of a severe ear infection is not present.

That said, I was crazy dizzy two days ago, and currently feel pretty awful.

I can't rightly describe how I feel right now.  I've never felt this way before.  I don't like it, and I am not very functional.

*     *     *     *     *

I have a theory, surprise.

The kink involving my right shoulder and neck, I hope, is coming to a turning point.

As usual, the progress has been very noticeable, subjectively as well as objectively.  The sensations have felt very much like the knot is getting smaller, maybe manageable is a better word.  It feels as thoughI may be able to isolate and undo it soon.

Objectively, there has been shoulder, neck and face changes.  Yet, it is this current swelling, identical to all those "ear infections" (as diagnosed by the powers that be), that is now below the ear canal.  It, too, may be lowering toward the section tangled curtain cords within me I call the kink.

Now, it's back to bed.